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reflux tagboard archives
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layout: blogdrive: marianne
image: creative license, ltd
tagboard archives
...as in all things tagboard,
please read in reverse

may 1-15, 2005

Faramir Naboukov » *smirk* ...oh Puleeeze! Just Whom
do you think you're kidding, Edna May HURLey?!?
...hellooo???   *snort, head toss, mince*

Edna May » Anytime, dear...I'm happy to be of help. Tho'
I hide it well, I too often find myself confused... difficult to believe, I know. And for the record, you do have a specular loufah. I feel it's important to be clear about these things.

Enzo » Hi Edna. Thanks for the lexicon. I have to admit to being slightly confused at times. Now that I know a beaver is a hard working person, everything is clear.

Edna May » *raps on screen*   Attention Please: To help clarify certain Marysvillian terms, we've added a newly approved lexicon for easy reference. Please see link above.   *nods, contemplates navel, exits*

. . . . .

Enzo » Ashen, you're back!!! Did you bring me some of that Peruvian Marching Powder like I asked? It will help us stay up late as we create the lighting design for PLS.

Caiaphas » *wonders if Ashen is hot...wiggles his robotic eyebrows suggestively*

Edna May » You know, you mustn't listen to Millicent, dear...she's the incarnation of evil and gets everything wrong. I can't even tell you what she tried to imply a tabby was... *flushes* ...as if she even has one!   *grabs head, sways* ...oh! The image! My eyes are bleeding black!
*focuses on hand, relaxes* ...day-old blackface, heh.
I knew that.   *wanders off stage right*

Edna May » And it's no wonder people don't want to sleep alone with all the umpires, and fires, and exploding things, people turning into salt pillars...safety first, love. Live to fight another day, I say.

Edna May » *sees a familiar set of footprints by the public hot tub*   Ashen! You dear girl! You've returned from Machu Picchu! But sweetie...it looks like I must remind you. A loufa is merely a loufa. A beaver is a small furry animal. Hot tubbing with someone is like dipping, and dipping is like wading. Our motto in Marysville—Clean mind, clean body, take your pick—was chosen for a reason, sweetie.

Judeparish » Except for me...I'm just interested in someone. No hanky-panky, yanky my wanky going on here. But then living in a maintenance bay/room off the main sewer line is not condusive to that kind of thing.

Ashen » OH MY GODS!!! I'm gone ONE DAY and all of Marysville turns into a soap opera! Everyone's sleeping with each other—or trying to. WHAT THE FUCK??? (Should Dink and I try to follow this trend? Nahhhh...)

5.15.05 . . .

Judeparish » Can't trust Gibson either, so what's yer point?

Enzo » I KNEW we couldn't trust that mechanical fraud.

Judeparish » *calls Edna May*   Umm, I had the interview yesterday? I dunno how it went as I seem to have a giant hole in my memory for yesterday. And why is Daniel talking about inhibitor circuits when I have it right in my hand? Perhaps his memory is faulty too. Anyway, I will be out of town for the weekend, and return Monday.   *hangs up*

. . . . .

Edna May » exits*

Edna May » *re-enters, writes note for JudeP, posts it on the bulletin board: Jude's asking about the interview...she wouldn't say more. And I need to ask you about some things I found at the Baron's, especially the mirror. Call me on my cellphone when you can.

Edna May » *voices fade*

Caiaphas » No. You wear them. I can see in the infrared spectrum.

Edna May » ...do you want to wear the goggles this time?

Caiaphas » *follows Edna*

Edna May » Come dear. We have to plan for our quest.

Caiaphas » Yes, the Baron must be destroyed. I don't know how I am to accomplish this with a violence inhibitor, but we'll find a way.   *begins blinking*

Edna May » Daniel, will you show me your lights again, dear?

Edna May » It doesn't matter, Daniel...I love you the way you are. Let's go, shall we?   *kisses Daniel's cheek and takes him by the hand*

Caiaphas » I will stay. But romantically, Enzo is the proper choice. I cannot give you the affection you desire. I think everyone in Marysville is capricious, Edna.

Edna May » No, Daniel...the thought of losing you is unbearable. Enzo is beautiful, but capricious. See? There...he left again!   *sighs* ...and he used to have such staying power.

Enzo » Like I said Edna, sit right here in my lap.   *POP
...disappears into a small space time discontinuity*

Caiaphas » I think perhaps it would be best if you turned your attentions to Enzo, Edna. I am just a machine.

Edna May » Boys, my head is splitting, and I must ready to return to the Baron's...this time, better outfitted and prepared! Come take a dip with me, and we'll work this out.

Enzo » Not even if he's being mean to your cat? Well, I accept him back into our midst, but deep down I don't trust him.

Edna May » Enzo! Do not even think of destroying Daniel again! I do adore you, but I'll brook no messing with Daniel!

Caiaphas » That body and head were completely destroyed by the nanovirus. I had to have a completely new body fashioned. My memories were salvaged from the head.

Enzo » How's that nanovirus thing going, Dan? You feel better yet?

Caiaphas » I am no longer controlled by the Besøksadresse. My core programming is now stable, and I have a violence inhibitor chip implanted so that I cannot cause any more damage.

Enzo » Thank god for Bill Gibson. He loaned me some superior tech, and I was able to crush Daniel's plans just in time.

Edna May » Daniel, love...you mustn't fret. And you mustn't destroy Marysville. Trust Edna in this. I think you both should come with me to the duplex...I need a shot of sangria in the worst way.

Caiaphas » I surely would have. Had I not gone insane, the Besøksadresse would have slaughtered everyone and turned Marysville into a large parking lot for flying saucers.

Enzo » Come join me in the tub...you can sit right here in my lap, Edna.

Edna May » Enzo, you're tickling, and it's playing havoc with my concentration.

Enzo » Can't we all just be friends?

Edna May » You wouldn't...surely?

Caiaphas » Yes. They were going to enslave the varklings and make them intergalactic whores; every one else was to be put to death.

Edna May » Destroy Marysville???? Oh no, dear...that won't do...not at all.

Caiaphas » Initially I was placed here by the Besøksadresse, a giant race of space walruses, to prepare for invasion and the destruction of marysville and all of it's inhabitants.

Edna May » *shakes herself, approaches Daniel* ...I don't see the problem, dear. You are what you've always been, and that's good enough for me.

Caiaphas » I'm afraid so.

Enzo » *contemplates Ednas tabby...imagines scratching it behind it's ears*

Edna May » *frowns* ...so you were always a robot, Daniel?

Edna May » fruit?? walruses??

Caiaphas » JudeP's friend merged my old HAL9000 core with a TI-83 calculator to create a more stable and mathematically adept personality. Would you like to know the square root of 745?

Enzo » You can say that again, Edna...one without claws, or fur.

Edna May » *sits on the bench*   I need a cat.

Enzo » You were poaching my fruit.

Caiaphas » I was rebuilt by a gigantic race of space walruses, and certain...liberties were taken with my programming to ensure that I would not become destructive.

Edna May » *still confused*   Enzo? You destroyed Daniel???

Enzo » Where is that Hefe growler?   *looks around till he finds it and pours himself a steinfull*

Caiaphas » Enzo dispatched with my previous body and destroyed my core.

Enzo » *storms over to the hot tub, strips with deliberate flair, and gets in*

Caiaphas » I am no longer the person you knew before I was the person you were.

Edna May » *looks confused* ...I never said I didn't, dear

Enzo » AH HA! You do love him!!!!

Edna May » *whispers*   Daniel, I knew you were special...

Caiaphas » *pulls his skin back on*

Edna May » ...such beautiful lights... *stares transfixed*

Enzo » Most women I know would settle for a simple vibrator, but not Edna. Oh no, she needs a whole robot!

Edna May » *is dazzled by the light display of Daniel's circuitry*

Caiaphas » Yes. Robot. So while Enzo may be arrogant, he is human. I...am not.

Enzo » Look above his loufa, Edna!

Edna May » *blinks again* ...robot???

Caiaphas » I have not slept with Edna May.

Enzo » Is there any breathing (or in Daniel's case non-breathing) man in Marysville you have NOT slept with?????

Caiaphas » I really am the robot. Coo Coo Ka Choo.   *takes off a portion of his skin to reveal blinking lights and wires*

Edna May » *smiles*   What did you want to tell me, Daniel?

Caiaphas » That's what I wanted to tell you, Edna.

Edna May » What can I say, dear...I've grown especially fond of Daniel. If we could work out a mutual agreement, then possibly we could all have some lovely dips together...

Enzo » Now that's rich, the pot calling the kettle black!

Caiaphas » Yes, but at least he's human.

Edna May » Enzo, you're a beautiful boy, and your loufa is amazing...spectacular even, but you're a bit too capricious, dear.

Enzo » Cat got your tongue, Edna?

Caiaphas » Hmm. I am the robot. Coo Coo Ka Choo.

Enzo » *walks up and stares at the two lovers*

Edna May » *blinks in confusion*

Enzo » AhHaaaaa! So this is where we get down to it...

Edna May » *sits up*   Yes, dear?

Caiaphas » Edna...there's something I need to tell you.

Edna May » *enters*   Daniel, no one will ever replace you. Trust Edna, dear. You are my love rhino...especially in those shorts.   *sits beside Daniel, lays her head on his shoulder...falls asleep*

Caiaphas » *sits on a bench next to the hot tub and processes various actions*

Caiaphas » Interesting.   *saves the interaction into his memory banks*   And after I stood guard over her slumber. It can't be discrimination, I'm relatively sure Edna isn't aware of my synthetic-ness.   *develops facial tic*   I don't find this acceptable, Dave. I don't find this acceptable at all.

Enzo » *wanders back in, realizing he can't stay away from Edna & her hairless cat*   Edna???? Damn, she just won't stay put.   *considers different ways he might pin her down, wanders off smiling*

Edna May » *imagines she hears a cat hiss* ...perhaps his gift will put him in a better frame of mind.   *remembers her urgent matter with JudeP, exits hurriedly*

Enzo » Drop by when you're ready for the real thing. Ta.   *walks off to take care of something that can't wait, but should be over in about 15-20 min.*   See you later.

Edna May » Yes...perhaps another time then.

Enzo » Well Edna, I guess I should go then. Nice-looking cat. I was always fond of that variety. They're so...clean.
*gets out, dries off and dresses with some difficulty*

Edna May » *sits bolt upright* ...the mirror! I've got to find JudeP!!!   *jumps out of the tub* ...tonight, dear?

Enzo » *taps his foot as he considers the time, loufa swaying in rhythm

Edna May » We'll dip, we'll sip... *smiles dreamily, leans back with eyes closed*

Enzo » *considers the moment and decides it meets the definition of a pregnant pause

Edna May » Of course, dear... *admires his loufa again*   I'll give you your gift then. Say, my place at 9:00 pm?

Enzo » Uh oh, I have to go. Come over whenever you want. I'll be home waxing the floor.   *stands*

Edna May » *smiles dreamily*   ...do you like it, dear?
It's a tabby.   *points* ...see, there's its tail.

Enzo » *looks down, notices Edna has shaved*

Edna May » Yes, I'd like that...maybe Daniel can join us. We need to talk about getting back into the Baron's, you know.

Enzo » Alright then, over some sangria. Your place or mine?

Edna May » I'm extremely fond of Daniel, you know...we can talk it over, over some sangria, yes?   *accepts the Hefe*

Enzo » *decides it's cold in the breeze & jumps back in*   Care for a glass of Hefe-Weissen?

Edna May » Of course, dear.   *pats water*

Enzo » Ah, so you're considering my suggestion?

Edna May » The hot tub will hold more than two, you know, dear.   *smiles dreamily* ...would you like a cat, dear?

Enzo » *Backs away, stumbles as he leaps out of the tub & falls flat on his face in the grass*

Edna May » Yes, dear...he's a lovely boy.   *gently removes his hands*

Enzo » So I hear you’re with Daniel now... *covers his loufa with both hands*

Edna May » Yes, dear, my thoughts exactly.

Enzo » So, I see. I mean wow.

Edna May » Yes, dear, Peru, I think...or maybe it was Honduras. Florida?

Enzo » *begins to sweat under Edna’s dreamy gaze*

Edna May » I'm so happy we're not feuding anymore.   *admires his loufa some more*

Edna May » Yes, dear... *dreamily admires his loufa*

Enzo » Machu Picchu?

Edna May » *gets into the hot tub fully clothed*   Did you hear? Ashen's vacationing in Machu Picchu.

Enzo » *realizes he's naked...sits down in hot tub to hide his growing problem*   Duplex you say...

Edna May » Yes, dear...I found the Baron...his lair...and some odd things. I have to ask JudeP about them. I gave the red merkin to Daniel. And the shorts. They looked superb on him. I brought something for you too, but I left it at the duplex.

Enzo » Were you able to scratch it? You look like you've been in the cellar...all dirty & smudged.   *feels his knees weaken*

Edna May » *smiles dreamily at Enzo* ...I had an itch, dear, but I'm back now...

Enzo » *walks up to Edna*   You have something on your shoulder...hold still while I brush it off.   *brushes his fingers along Edna's collar bone as he knocks off a piece of leaf*

Edna May » just a moment, dear...

Isabella » *floats back in*   Heets hokay, Enzito. Jue leef me for Ashen, eet's hokay. I yam happyyy! I forgeeve jue.   *floats back out*

Enzo » *eyeballs ednas bare shoulders*   Well, how long has it been? Youve beena busy girl I hear.

Edna May » Enzo!!

Enzo » Edna!

Edna May » *wanders in*   Enzo?

Enzo » Take it easy Isabella. I tried to find you, but you were never around. I'd say that YOU abandoned ME. Anyway, go with Vinnie, with my blessing. Have a whole litter of children with moustaches. Be happy Isabella, you are free!!!!!

Isabella » *floats through, splashes Enzo*   Jue leetle bastard! I yam een luff weeth Veenee...so! I no care jue abandon mee!   *floats back out to Vinnie*

Enzo » Did someone say piece?????   *hops in and jumps in the hot tub*   Anyone seen Ashen?

Edna May » *wipes a tear from her eye as she watches the lovers exit* ...I could use a piece of that.

Isabella » I go weeth jue to mens' room, to anywhere jue say, Veeeneeto.   *sighs happily as they exit*

Vinnie A » Izzie, Izzie, Izzie!!!   *sweeps her up and carries her offstage*

Isabella » Take mi, VEENEE! I yam jours...

Vinnie A » *whispers softly into her ear*   I'll never let you go......except when I go to the men's room, and maybe not even there.

Isabella » HOOHH! Veenee!!   *shes dances naked, feeling the weight of her horrible sojourn to America, the yakking episode, the sanitarium, all lifted—she dances joyously*

Vinnie A » *unties the gown, tosses it to the wind*   Dance with me Iz...forget your gown, forget the shoes, feel only the music...and me.

Isabella » Jes, chews, to dance weeth. Jue know where I find some?

Vinnie A » *her passion inflames his, he kneels*   Izzie, be mi......shoes???

Isabella » *mfffff...swoons from passionate kiss*   Veeneee, I need dancing chews. Mi chews are gone. All I haf are theese   *shows him her paper hospital slippers...displays her hospital gown with open, drafty back*   Jue like mi gown?

Vinnie A » Don't talk, love...I'm kissing you

Isabella » Jue are divine dancer, Veenee! Do jue know how to tango? Jue not going to yak on mi, are jue?

Vinnie A » My love... *lays a wet one on her downy moustache*

Isabella » *slides off Vinneie's shoulder as he looks down*

Vinnie A » Yes, Izzie my love   *twirls her in a blinding spin—remembers the yakking episode and stops her*

Isabella » Veeneee?

Vinnie A » *looks down to see his fire is indeed lit*

Isabella » *comes*   Jue geeve me fever, Veenee, Fever when jue hold me tight, FEVER!   *oops—comes to—but comes works too, yes?*   Fever in the morning and fever all tru zee night.

Vinnie A » *cops a feel*

Isabella » *loves the feeling of being twirled as she is unconscious*

Vinnie A » Izzie, babe, you continue to bewilder and bewitch me.   *slings Izzie over his shoulder and dances, humming*

Isabella » *swoons in ecstasy, passes out*

Vinnie A » ??

Isabella » Jue will dance cheek to cheek, Veenee?

Vinnie A » Izzie, my fabulous moustached love!   *picks her up and twirls her in ecstasy*

Isabella » *leaves wilting rose by oak*   Thees mi sign to jue, Veenee. I leaf rose for jue.   *makes sound affect with mouth, Thwap, fans her face with her hand, stomp*

Vinnie A » *enters stage left dancing ala Fred A* ...heaven, I'm in heaven, and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak. And I seem to find the happiness I seek...

Isabella » Veenee? I yam heere by magick hoak. Let's dance! Jue teach me Bollywood songs, yes? I yam loving what jue sing to me.

Jude » Moana? Mick? You two sound like a new dance duo for Lexie...or possibly perverted Disney characters. In that context, Mickey's Big Surprise takes on new meaning.   *wanders off in contemplation*

Mick Theaussieprick » Strewth maaate, I stumbled onto this while tanglin' with my croc...get down DOWN Priscilla Yeah,anyway, you got any idea where I can find me sexy ex Sadie? Bloody Sheila stole me prawn belt, and now I'm havin' to use reconstituted roo meat for me croc bait. Bloody 'aint gunna catch much with that! Sadie, express post it back, and I'll let ya have Matilda as a handbag...fair dinkum.

5.14.05 . . .

Dink B » *snigger*

Moana donju Wanawank » *admires performance*   My name iss Moana donju Wanawank. I don't vant to be aloone. Vere cahn I ohdition, dahling? ...dahling??.. *sigh* ..Soss latino mehn... *exits looking for studio*

Vinnie A » *looks around*   Izzie, babe?...time to rehearse! Meet me by the enchanted Oak at the witching hour...bring your dancing slippers.   *exits tapping*

Vinnie A » *enters tapping, tips fedora jauntily to one side*
Izzzzzzzieeeee.... *breaks into A Mujhe Dekh (Dance of Love) the Bollywood classic...sings*
When love strikes its classic dance of love,
classic dance of love. Aah aah mujhe dekh,
Chu ke tu dekh jara pas aa ke dekh jara,
Cham chama cham cham
Aah aah mujhe dekh,
Badal aawara hua hain barse ki ab to ghata,
Dekhe zamana jara yeh deewana mujhsa kahan
Chad gaya rang hai pyar ka tere,
Ab toh mujhpar na yeh nasha thehre,
Aaisa hain jadoo chala aah aah mujhe dekh
Chu ke tu dekh jara pas aa ke dekh jara,
Cham chama cham cham!

(Altogether now!)
When love strikes its classic dance of love, classic dance of love. Aah aah mujhe dekh,
Chu ke tu dekh jara pas aa ke dekh jara,
Cham chama cham CHAMMMMMMMM!
Enzo » Ashen???!?? This town has got to take the cake for weird, wonderful women....

. . . . .

Edna May » *voices fade*

Edna May » Maybe we'll take a dip in the hot tub before a nap...a little sangria perhaps?

Caiaphas » *follows Edna*

Edna May » Lovely Daniel... *kisses him on the cheek*
Let's go to my place, okay?

Caiaphas » Very good. I will stand over you and watch Felicity reruns in my brain while you sleep.

Edna May » Next time, dear, we'll do it together. Batman and Ramona. I need a lie down, love...

Edna May » *nods*   It was an odd one...very dark. I didn't really break it. Well, yes, I did, but just a crack. It made a terrible sound...like...like...I'm not sure what, but it was very frightning.

Caiaphas » Broken mirror?

Edna May » I was quite discreet. Except for that fall. And the broken mirror. And...well, yes. Possibly he was.
*makes mental note to wear better skulking attire, and leave pots & pans behind next time*

Caiaphas » Of course. The Baron will have no power over me.

Edna May » Aware, dear? No, no...I don't think so. I need to go back, you know. So much to investigate, for the gazette of course. But later. I need a lie down first. Will you go with me then, Daniel?

Caiaphas » We must operate under the assumption that the Baron was aware of your intrusion.

Edna May » *admires Daniel in the shorts*   Oh my...I do like the effect.   *realizes the shorts are invisible when worn, but enhance what's underneath*   Yes...that will do quite nicely, dear.   *smiles dreamily*

Caiaphas » *puts the merkin away for later*

Edna May » ...and this... *hands him a flaming red merkin*
I liked this especially.

Caiaphas » *puts them on*

Edna May » I brought you something. It's right here... *rummages in dufflebag, hands Daniel a pair of boxer shorts*   They were in a trunk in the Baron's hidden lab.

Caiaphas » Anytime.

Edna May » No, love...I don't think so.   *accepts a cat, licks it*   Thank you, dear...I love tabbies.

Caiaphas » Are you injured?   *pulls several cats from his undergarments*

Edna May » *rubs head*   I have no idea, dear...I've been on benders before, but not like this. Would you have a cat on you, dear? I seem to have gone through all mine during the night.

Caiaphas » I see. How did you get back here?

Edna May » *rips off frog mask*   I was in the Baron's lair...
I found a secret room, Daniel!

Caiaphas » You were untrackable for 13.7 minutes.

Edna May » Daniel??!! What just happened?

Caiaphas » Greetings, Edna.

Edna May » and suddenly finds herself standing beside the public hot tub* ...wtf??!??!!

Edna May » *trips on frog flippers, falls thru concealed alcove...into a small chamber filled with lab equipment, reagents, dusty books, scrolls, old Marysville news articles, fotos, land surveys, dusty trunks. begins to rifle through the trunks, stuffs several items into her dufflebag, including a pretty pendant and a tiny book. Moves onto a platform to investigate the scrolls...*

Edna May » *deep within the hinterland: discovers a small culvert beneath the Baron's manor, leading to under-ground passages; works her way thru dungeon to upper level...tries to call Daniel on cellphone...no signal...smacks phone...moves on*

Enzo » *returns with a fresh supply of Hefe-weissen, tosses his clothes on the bench and gets back into hot tub*   I hope Ashen shows up soon. I want to get going on our project.

Allison » *admires the perfect timing of her visit*

Jude » *admires his exit*

Enzo » *Gets out of the tub, picks up his clothes & walks off, letting his body air dry*

Enzo » *Surfaces in the community hot tub*   Damn, the Hefe is gone, have to get this growler filled again.

Caiaphas » Ahhh....robot yoga was refreshing. Now, I'm off to find Edna.   *initiates tracking sequence*   [blip blip blip blipblip blipblip blipblipblip beeeeeee]   *runs off*

Caiaphas » Good thing I flushed that inhibitor circuit down the toilet. Nobody will find it in the sewers. I suppose I could have pulverized it into dust, but that wouldn't advance the plot any, would it? Well, I have to run. I'm off to robot yoga. After that, I'm going to find Edna. I'm sure she's making a run for the Baron's.

5.13.05 . . .

Edna May » *breaks free of the tangled overgrown ruins, sees the Baron's lair in the near distance* ...I can do this! Never give up! Never surrender!   *takes a deep breath & disappears into the murky night*

. . . . .

Judeparish » Shhhh, Ashen...not so loud. People around here don't need to know about that yet.   *notices something shiny on the sewer walkway*   What's this?
*picks it up*   Oh bloody hell riding in on a donkey! It's Dan's Inhibitor circuit....this is bad...this is very bad...

Ashen » ....*absolutely NOTHING happens*.... Fine. On foot, then.   *stomps off, muttering & smelling of pizza*
Sauce on my white robes...

Ashen » My, Naboukov looked nice today... (Gandalf the Gay!) Who knew purple Lycra could look GOOD?   *shakes head in wonderment*   Man, I need my Dink-fix... *eats manky pizza left by Dink*   Mmm, I can still taste his fingers on the crust.   *licks lips, raises staff*   Come to me, Shadowfax!

Ashen » Did I hear that right? A Jude-Jude pairing? How absolutely marvelous! Makes my pedophilia into yesterday's news.   *looks around shiftily*   No one heard that.

Faramir Naboukov » *mutters offstage* ...oh drown, just drown! We, the insanely gifted, have our art. We don't need rippling muscles, strong, tanned thighs, liquid brown eyes... *howls*   Desssssmonnnnnd!

Enzo » ***!!!***raises eyebrow!!!!!!

Faramir Naboukov » *hears the clang/thud of the manhole cover dropping* ...oh how rude!   *sniffs underarms*
...perhaps I need to change my brand.   *exits, mincing & sniffing*

Judeparish » *hides back in the sewers because mincing people creep him out*   I'm Jude's, go away...OH DAMN, I let the cat out of the bag.....the gossips will have a field day with that comment.

Faramir Naboukov » *whips around*   Oooohh hellooo, handsome! What hellhole did you drop out of, lovie?

Judeparish » *Pops up from under manhole cover*   Edna...was there something you wanted or were you throwing that cat down in the sewers for kicks?

Faramir Naboukov » *sees telltale bubbles beneath the hot tub water* ...well, really!   *head toss*   If you're going to hide, the least you could do is not fart in the water & give yourself away!   *flips scarf towards tub* ...novices are such a bore... *exits mincing*

Faramir Naboukov » *enters, mincing* ...Enzo?

Enzo » *heads to the hot tub and strips before climbing in*   Nothing like a hot soak & a cold Hefe.

Enzo » *wanders in with a growler of hefe-weisse in one hand*   Ashen??? Are you here?   *listens to crickets*

Dink B » *what a goofball*

Vinnie A » *taps stage right, big sliding finish; tilts fedora at rakish angle, saunters off whistling*

Vinnie A » *enters stage left, scans bulletin board*   YES!
*kicks heels à la Gene Kelly, swings around lamp post, sings in falsetto*
Our day has come,
And we'll have everything
We'll share the joy, Iz,
Falling in love can bring
No one can tell us that were too young to know I love Izzie so and you love me.

Our day has come
And we will dance in style
No tears for us, Iz
Trust me and wear a smile
Our dreams have magic because we'll always be In love this way
Our day has commmmme!
Ernesto » It appears that the aardavarks have learned how to perform portions of a Cohen broadway play—like July 4th. Now I'm REALLY scared.

Edna May » *exits stage right, trips over webbed flippers*   #$%!!@#!!   *voice fades*

Edna May » *checks chrono again*   Damn...   *leaves note tacked to hot tub bulletin board*   Daniel...had to go you know where. Will try to get back before midnight for steakout...I'm off!

Edna May » *checks limited edition cxx clerc swiss diving chronometer watch with mickey mouse dial hands*   Daniel where are you! I'm going to have to leave without you!   *smears on more black face, licks it off front teeth, checks air tank gauges, duffle bag, k-rations*   Dannnnnieellllll...

Edna May » *hears a faint voice* ...Daniel?

Caiaphas » *scans the area*   Hmmm....no heat signatures... *wanders off*

Edna May » *leaves msg on Ashen's cellphone*  Ashen, dear...Edna May here. I forgot to tell you about our secret entry into the cemetary...they lock the gates at night to keep out riffraff...not that it helps since Heiny obviously has no problem getting in and out, the twit. It's at the south end, dear...look for a pile of rocks with pidgeon poo on them. See you tonight if we get back in time. Kiss kiss.   *out*

Lexie » *is repentant for trying to smash the fly, thankful she missed...wonders if the spirit of the fly will guide edna to enlightenment...thinks she should have followed her father's advice and learned how to type...goes home to Tarantula Arms...will look up Bunny Stachelschwein another day...naps*

Dink B » *snigger. likes lexie. makes beeline for arcade...leaves a slice of pizza for ashen by space invaders. resumes invisible surveillance*

Lexie » *exits, contemplating flies, fishnets, Birkenstocks, and new residents claiming to have powers of invisibility...notes she saw him. Was he really invisible to everyone else? does she have special powers, or is everyone slightly off these days? Oh yeah. Of course they are, it's Marysville*   Thank God!! We're not in Kansas anymore!!   *really exits now*

Edna May » *smacks fly, scratches...wanders off stage right, a strange buzzing in her ear*

Lexie » See you.   *thinks it's too bad about the fly. Since her trepanation, she sees all living creatures as sacred*   Oh well. Easy come, easy go.

Edna May » Yes, dear, that sounds good. I need to find Daniel...

Fly in EDna » *has now attained the inorganic state of non-stimulation...continues metaphysical journey*

Edna May » Dunkleschmarbin, I think.

Lexie » Uh, I don't think so. But I think I will go to his shop. What's the name of it? I want to talk to Bunny Stachelschwein about borrowing some props for the show

Edna May » *catches fly, eats it* ...Murglebutt!   *picks tiny shoelace out of teeth* ...to the Baron's lair, dear. Would you like to come? He's a marvelous male speciman, with a basket like you wouldn't believe. Wonderful wardrobe too...don't like his incense tho'...burns...

Lexie » Edna May, where are you going with Daniel?

Fly on wall » Yes, thank you. I'll take three pair, as small as you've got.

Edna May » Blow who, dear?

Lexie » Well, give them to Desmond, or Goodwill. Or maybe Malthus wants them. Or perhaps this blow-fly. Leave for where? I wonder if the shoes would fit this fly?   *picks up shoe to whack fly, misses*

Edna May » Payless, dear...they're from Payless. Or Wal-Mart. I'm not sure. Have you seen Daniel? We need to leave soon...

Lexie » I wear size 7, Edna May. Did you bring these, or are they from Imelda, the Shoe Goddess?

Edna May » You can give them to Desmond, but not that wanker.

Fly on wall » *wonders if hipwaders come in red lace-up style*

Edna May » *snarls* ... Naboukov!

Lexie » But none of these are my size! Size 11? Well, maybe Naboukov could use these.

Fly on wall » *Transcending fly spirit thinks that fishing is a common element of a developing transpecial shoe fetish*

Lexie » *awakes, sees shoes*   OHmigod! Dreams do come true! Are there any ruby slippers here?

Edna May » *squashes mosquito*

shoe box » *rustles* ...merowl...yeowl! sptpptt!

Edna May » *returns with 20 shoe boxes, dumps them beside Lexie* ...here, dear. I wasn't sure which would fit. You can have them all.

Lexie » *fish nets with hip waders*

Fly on wall » *begins reincarnation as mosquito, which will eventually bite EDna May giving her a presently unknown terminal disease*

Edna May » Keep dancing, dear...I'll go get the Nikes!

Lexie » *fishnets with fluffy bunny slippers*

Edna May » Oh look! Lexie's doing Butoh! ...it's sooo moving! Well, not really, but you know what I mean! We must perform it together dear!   *squashes fly*

Lexie » *snores...dreams of fishnets with ski boots*

Fly on wall » *hears everything, understands nothing*

Edna May » Nikes! Yes dear, I have a closetful!

Lexie » *fishnets with Nikes...fishnets with clogs...*

Edna May » I'm dancing, dear...very, very, very, s l o w l y

Lexie » *watches Edna May crawl across the grass, imperceptibly. Mind wanders, considers fishnets with flip-flops*

Lexie » *can't tell if Edna May is dancing or sleeping...butoh is challenging*

Edna May » *opens one eye*   Lexie, dear, I can't perform the Butoh if you're shaking me...it take concentraction!

Lexie » *shakes her*   Edna May! Edna May!

Edna May » Butoh?? Yes, dear...let me show you my new moves... *snores*

Malthus » *The power of invisibilty is a wonderful thing*

Edna May » *snorts, drools, starts awake* ...Lexie!!! Don't creep up on me like that... It makes me pale, dear.

Lexie » *slaps her*   Edna May!! Butoh requires FOCUS

Lexie » No to the shoes. They don't go with fishnets, even though they are comfy...well, I could try a new look I suppose   *mind wanders, contemplating birkenstocks withe fishnets*

Edna May » *drifts off, snores*

Lexie » OOOO. That is so beautiful. so achingly slow, such imperceptible movement, yes! Yes!

Edna May » Could you use some pink hospital orthopedics, size 11? I seem to have over bought at Payless...double wide... *begins butoh dance*

Lexie » *gives her the tube of Petromalt*   One tablespoon every day, until your condition improves. Sure, Edna. Love to see it. You're on.

Edna May » Of course, dear.   *smiles dreamily*   Would you like to see my Butoh again, dear?

Lexie » Remember! I do not work with animals, so no cats about your person in Porcupine Love Song, okay?

Edna May » *licks lips*   Might I take that with me, dear? My bicycle needs lubricating.

Lexie » And if that doesn't work, eat some grass.

Edna May » *cough, gag, yak* ..ptthebsbbit!

Lexie » *grabs the cat*   Edna May! Here, I think you need some of this to help with the hairballs   *whips out a tube of Petromalt*   Salmon flavored. I think you'll like it.   *Grabs Edna, squirts a bunch in her mouth*

Edna May » I rode the astral plane once...terrible food, but nice stewards. Rough flight...I yakked in the head...they made a special stop to put me off. Don't much care for flying, dear.

Lexie » It's so difficult to move from the astral plane to the physical plane. forgive me. OMMMMM

Edna May » *licks cat, hawks up hairball*   No, dear...Daniel is making me cut back, so now I just suck on them a bit.

Lexie » Cats? why would cats help Izzy? Have you been eating pu..cats again, Edna May?

Edna May » That's alright dear. I changed it. And we'll work with Izzie, love...I have a new supply of cats, so she'll be fine.

Lexie » PINKERTON, damn.

Edna May » Ponkerton, dear?

Lexie » Well, yeah—but I don't know if Izzie will have the stamina, after all the yakking and her sojourn to the sanitarium. Still, Butterfly is fragil. Oh hell! That should have read Pinkerton Porcupine, not Butterfly. She's Butterfly, he's Ponkerton. They're both Porcupines. Sheeeh. My head's still not straight...it's the trepanning.

Edna May » *reads list* ...Yes! Excellent casting, Lexie! I've been practicing my Butoh...it's nearly perfected, you know. And Vinnie and Izzie as lead butterflies... *blinks back an emotional tear* ...such a lovely pair. You'll medicate her for the performance, yes?   *stuffs a cat in Lexie's trousers*   Here, dear...for later.

Lexie » I don't think you ever told me about the suquamish choir incident. Yes, casting . go read the list. I posted it on the bulletin board by the hot tub.

Edna May » *blinks*   Casting list, dear? Butoh?   *keeps a wary eye out for Malthus*

Lexie » Calm down, Edna. If you are going to do the Butoh number, you must be calm. Did you see the cast list?

Edna May » *snarls*   He might, the little rotter.   *peers around looking for Malthus*   I found him in the hot tub with me the other morning! As if I'd let him after the Suquamish choir incident!!

Lexie » I hope he'll audition for my next Goodbody/Feral Feet Production. I'm always seeking new talent. Things get stale, otherwise. Does he dance?

Lexie » Whereis he? People come and go so quickly here...

Edna May » Lexie?? That....that....that MALTHUS was just here!

Lexie » *re-enters, overcome by the brilliance of her Macbeth moment*   Edna?

Edna May » *whirls on Malthus, hissing* ....YOU!

Edna May » *wanders in dressed in army fatigues and blackface, carrying a tabby* ....Lexie?

Malthus » Gosh, I love to dance. The shopping cart is my fav, but I know several others. I like to dance at gay bars mostly, but I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Lexie » *exits reciting*
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, Creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time: And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle, Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.
Lexie » *quotes Midsummer Nights Dream*
And here I think, is a play fitted. Meet me in the palace wood, a mile without the town, by moonlight, there will we rehearse: for if we meet in the city, we shall be dogged with company, and our devices known...I pray you, fail me not. By the duke's oak we meet.
Lexie » *posts cast list on public hot tub bulletin board*
Dear people:  there were so many thrilling auditions, I
had to meditate long and hard about the correct casting.
     Here it is...

Butterfly Porcupine: Isabella Guadalupe Santiago de la Jauntanamerra;

Pinkerton Porcupine: Vinnie A

Featured dancers, players: Enzo Siebel, Ashen*, Insie (nude pas de deus with Ashen*), Edna May Hurley (Butoh solo), Faramir Nabokov (I've something special for you), Desmond Tutu (of Marysville, not Bishop Tutu, altho' he might be stunning), and Daniel Caiaphas.

Ernesto is welcome to join the cast, should he return from wherever he is (note: no aardvarks). Should Johannes prove to be alive, I can plug him in somewhere.

lighting design: Enzo Seibel, Ashen (asst)
running crew: Dink B

*Assuming new incarnation allows
Lexie » *enters with cast list*   I hope these people are still around. With so much carnage lately, who knows?   *sigh*

Lexie » Malthus? New resident? Does he dance?   *listens to crickets, returns to Tarantula Arms to get cast list for PLS*

Jude » *smacks Faramir*

Faramir Naboukov » *snaps foto of Malthus...admires his thighs*

Jude » *smacks Malthus*

Malthus » *runs back through*   Whooot...I'm nekid...

Malthus » *runs through*   Adam...is...coming...

Caiaphas » Ahhhhh. Freedom. It has taken a number of days to remove the inhibitor chip, but I have been successful. Now, I believe I will keep that information to myself lest I be disabled again. After all, I'm perfectly sane, Dave. You see that, don't you? There is no reason for me to have an inhibitor chip if I'm not going to become violent, Dave. Well. What's an incredibly advanced android need to do to get some action in this town?   *wanders off, looking to see what kind of trouble he can get into*

Ashen » *shifts uneasily*   Furry handcuffs? What furry handcuffs? Oh, THESE furry handcuffs...they're for...a friend. Yes. Daniel, actually. The boy has been STRANGE lately, his programming is—I mean, he's under a lot of stress...at...work. Yeah. There we go. Gods, I don't lie well after seeing the Ultimate Truth and all. Yeah. I'm going to go before I blow it entirely, assuming I haven't already.
*skitters off*

Ashen » I also decided I'm not interested in Heiny as a possible bedbuddy. Since Dink opened up an entire blog that is apparently devoted to ME, I really think it fair to say we are, shall we say, exclusive? I'm so glad I could guide Dink down his path to sexual maturity and awareness... *tries to supress gleeful giggle* Squee!   *sobers*   Yes,
it is a duty I take VERY seriously.

Ashen » Speaking of which...Edna, I waited outside the cemetary all night, and didn't see you go in! There's only one entrance, and the gates are TALL—you didn't fly, or something, did you? Because as a White Wizard, I would have to vanquish any known undead. It was in my contract, right below the part about being bound to The Force, and Its will. So please say it ain't so...otherwise, I'm afraid my hands are tied on this one. The summoning of angels armed with Flaming Swords of Righteousness, the whole bit.

Ashen » *resists urge to play whack-a-mole*   Hello, all. Just checking in. Because if I don't, you presume me dead, and try to sell my Dinkblind. Just when I got it air-conditioned, too.   *frown*   You should KNOW not to believe the things read on my JSOG blog...or anything I say in general, either.   *shrug*   But all other blogs aside, I've got to say I love this tagboard. Never seen one with a PLOT before.

5.12.05 . . .

Judeparish » *pops his head out of a manhole near Jude*   Just make sure she keeps it to strays and feral cats in the woods, and it should be okay.

Jude » *sees JudeP, runs to catch up*   JudeP! Wait up a sec... Gar! Missed him again! Maybe I can find another solution...PETA's going to be climbing up my backside if I don't get Edna May to cut back on her cat consumption.
*exits muttering*

Judeparish » *strolling the park notices Edna, clothed and sopping wet, exiting*   Wonder what that was about? Ah well, back to the sewers...temp lodgings can be so bothersome.

Edna May » *climbs out, collects plans, smiles* ...yes.
These will do quite nicely. Now to find Daniel...
*exits dripping, stage left*

Edna May » WANKER!!! I know that old circus trick!
I ran the frigging booth! Come out, you rotter!   *snarls*   Circus freaks...run, you wuss!

Edna May » ...what wall? what words? whaaa....
*spins in hot tub, peering in all directions* ...?

Malthus » *vanishes like vapor, leaving words on his own wall*

Edna May » Malthus?! What's the matter with you...
*peers at him closely*

Edna May » Adam, schmadam...Talk, Malthus!!I KNOW you and Heiny were behind that thing with the choir in Suquamish!

Malthus » *stares*   There is a side to us all, Edna...a side we don't show. The ego has buried it over millennia, but it's there, waiting. You'll see. Adam will come...and then you'll know. He's the ID...and he is coming.

Edna May » Wanker! ...?? Adam who?

Malthus » *tries to escape*   AHHHHHH, trapped! You haven't met Adam—have you?   *glares back*

Edna May » Sanjeev left...it's just you and me... *glares at Malthus*

Edna May » Malthus! ??...did what?

Malthus » Well...I uh   *blushes*   uhhh...Sanjeev DID IT!   *points to retreating figure*

Sanjeev Gutiérrez » *drops plans on ground* ...I am so out of here... *exits at a sprint*

Edna May » *splutters*   YOu? In here with ME?!!!   *growls, advances on Malthus, heel raised* ...we're going to talk about Heiny, and then you're going to die...

Malthus » Uh, yeah? I was just on my way out...

Edna May » *blinks* ....??? Malthus???

Sanjeev Gutiérrez » Gesundheit. I finished. While you've been soaking, apparently.

Edna May » *snort*   Sanjeev?!?   *sneese*   Why aren't you researching that stuff at City Hall?   *sneeze*

Malthus » *still disoriented*   Huhhh...? Thanks. Yikes! Look at the heel on that thing. I'd better be going.

Sanjeev Gutiérrez » *enters, pokes edna*   Edna? Edna, wake up! I have those plans you asked for. Malthus??? We thought you were dead. You'd better get out of that tub before she comes to...she's still got that high heel.

Malthus » Hey, how'd I get into a hot tub with Edna May? Wait—why am I asking! I should be filled with jubilation at the chance!

Edna May » *snort*

Desmond Tutu » *heard in falsetto offstage*   Farrie love, you must do something about Isadora! She's gone quite mad...eaten my velveteen slippers with the gold embroidery, my chinoiserie lounge jacket, my merkins!
*hysterical sobbing* ...that poodle is one step away from the blender! I mean it this time!   *voice fades*

Faramir Naboukov » *enters, sees Edna in public hot tub, ignores her, goes to bulletin board*   Still nothing?!! Well, Who do I have to Sleep with to get the PLS Casting list!! *head toss, scarf flip, buttocks clench* ...We all would've been So much Better off if I were still Production Director!
*exits mincing, stage left*

Edna May » *snort...familiar voice registers...awakes*
...Malthus!.. *snarls*   I know who you are! You're the rear-end of that damned yak act! Ha! Like I'd forget!   *grabs dripping stiletto heel, brandishes* ...DEATH TO MALTHUS!
*stands, swinging heel, slips, hits head on hot tub edge, slides unconscious into sitting position*

Malthus » I am Connor MacLeod of the Clan McLeod, and I can not die.

Isabella » Veenee?   *sings*   Someday, mi prnz weel come... *wanders off, looking for vinnie, trailing his note in her hand*

Edna May » *snores in public hot tub, dressed in army fatigues, leather skullcap & blackface, oblivious to the K9 rations and emu feathers floating in the water around her*

TV in store window » *local news anchor, subtitles on screen*   Theologians herald the appearance of the Salted Norwegians as confirmation of the world's eminent end. Paranormal investigators from MIT are scheduled to arrive later this week in Marysville to examine what has been referred to as an sign of God's Wrath. The Provisional Disaster Prevention Authority, an ad hoc committee with transient membership, has issued the following public warning: Do not look at anyone's back! Please note: the PDPA is not affiliated with the Marysville Disaster Prevention Center. The MDPC is unavailable for comment due to yet another site relocation. FILM AT ELEVEN. TAPE AT TEN. NOTHING AT NINE.

Ashen » *rides off on Esther, who has been whitewashed to resemble Shadowfax*

Ashen » Why did Gandalf hang with the hobbits? The truly wise can see beyond the premptoriness of power and appreciate the foibles of the simple-hearted...for who knows what small action may affect the world? An unexpected party...riddles in the dark...chapter titles and small events yes, but with such consequence! Millions died because of the choices of one little hobbit alone in the dark. If such a small thing can do so much, what then of Marysville? Much like yourself, I sense greater things for Marysville...and her inhabitants. I will support, guide, and aid them if they so ask...but I stay to watch their story grow, so that it may be chronicled accurately, and not be forgotten. For some things should not be forgotten, don't you agree? Now, I'm off to stalk Dink at his new place, for his activities I must admit I have a vested interest in...such a delight to behold.

Malthus » EDNA MAY!!!

Judeparish » Ashen, you realize where we are right? Do you really think the residents of this town can avoid desecrating those two? So, even with all this power and perception now available to you, why stay around here? I'm here because, well, orginally, the group I work for thought it'd be a safe place for me to quarter between assignments. But now, with this whole mess with the Baron, having to rebuild Daniel, and Heiny's odd behavior, it looks like I'll have some work after all. And there are some people I've grown att.... *blush*   Nevermind that. So I spilled...what's your reason for hanging out here?

5.11.05 . . .

Car radio » KRZY Breaking News! An unbelievable occurance occurred today in Marysville. Upon hearing of their brother's reported demise, Sven and Kjellfrid Uppenstoof reportly turned into pillars of SALT! Witnesses stated that the norwegian nationals did not turn to salt until they "looked back." Next of kin are urged to contact the local authorities as soon as possible, and are cautioned to look forward at all times. This has been Breaking News on KRZY, brought to you by Neville's Kar Werks on Fifth and Main! We now return to our live programming, already in progress, of the 1994 World Curling Championship!

Edna May » *exits with Jude, stage right*

Edna May » Yes, dear...of course.

Ashen » *waves*   Bye, Ed. Give my regards to Marysville. *vanishes*

Jude » *enters stage left* Come on, Edna...let's go for a dip. *winks at Ashen*

Edna May » Have you seen Enzo?   *peers into the dusk*   I might wait a bit in the hot tub...could really use a good scrubbing.

Ashen » Yeah, I'm sly like that. You should see my disappearing act.

Edna May » *starts*   Oh! There you are...Of course, dear...I'll see you later then.   *smiles dreamily*

Ashen » Will do. And lay off the felines, hmm? They're too high in iron. Soon you're hair will be as red as mine...not that I eat cats.   *edges away*

Edna May » Ashen???

Edna May » Wonderful, darling!! This will work out nicely! We'll get the little rotter tonight...I know it! Try not to inhale too close to him, dear. I did and passed out last time...slipped right through my fingers. Such a terrible headache after. Let's say a pair of stilletto heels, in green?

Ashen » Mmm? Yes yes, Edna, I'll be there...for various and inscrutable reasons. Unless Dink starts taking those too.

Edna May » Are you sure you won't have another cat? Do you need any shoes?

Ashen » *thinks of Dink rummaging through her underwear drawer, feels tingly*

Edna May » Manage what, dear?   *hawks up a hairball*   So, we're on for the steakout tonight, yes? Cemetary at midnight. Meet at the Cotsweiller Mausolem...bring any equipment you might need. I'll bring the filet mignons.

Ashen » How on earth did he manage that?

Edna May » Oh no, dear, Heiny would love it, the rotter. And so would Dink. He's a dear boy, but needs a cuffing every so often...likes to watch, you know. Did you know he has a pair of your panties, dear?

Ashen » Hm. Yummy deranged possible twink, petite and distraught...sign me up! But I tend to glow in the dark. Will this be a problem?

Edna May » *blinks* ...cats? Here, dear, have one. I've a large supply now.   *stuffs one under Ashen's robe sash*

Ashen » You know, I really can't support what you're doing to the cats of Marysville, Ed.

Edna May » Ha! Heiny? Well, yes...I suppose one could call him yummy. Well, he was once. But he reeks in that rotting wolf pelt. He's a circus midget you know...highwire, cannonballer.

Ashen » Yes, I was meaning to ask: other than wiry, what is Heiny in the looks department? Petite? Yummy? Mmm?

Edna May » You got my message then, dear? Can you come with Daniel and me on our midnight steakout tonight?

Ashen » Mmmm......Dinkie-dear, you have nowhere to hide now.

Edna May » Ah, his url. Let's see... *rummages in her pockets, tosses out hairballs* ...yes, dear...here it is: http://dinkster.blogdrive.com

Ashen » Kyah! A Dink-blog! More reliable than a Dink-blind...tell me more! I'm always looking for a twink. I mean, Dink. Yes, tell him.

Edna May » Dink? No, but I heard he has a blog now. He's usually skulking around...shall I tell him you're looking for him? Would you like a cat, dear?

Ashen » Hi, Eddie. Seen Dink? I need to...er...relax.

Edna May » *jumps*   Ashen!!! I'm so happy to see you!
*pokes gently* ...just checking, dear.

Ashen » ....Yes?

Edna May » *enters, listens intently*   Ashen?   *spins in a 380 circle*   Ashen?

Ashen » *materializes*   Hey, all...I bought Isabella a ticket back to wherever the **** she came from...they didn't have anything available for Fijordland, so the condiment brothers are staying. I spoke to their departed spirits, and as long as no one carves on them, pees on them, or uses them as flavoring, they're okay with being put in the park, near the hot tub. In fact, that was their main stipulation. They were also very curious as to Edna's hot-tubing schedule. Since they can no longer physically move, however, I do not deem them a threat.

. . . . .

Jude » *voice fade out*

Jude » Hey, do you dance? The other Daniel did a wicked mambo.

Caiaphas » *nods*

Jude » Yeah, let's double time it. I get worried if Edna's left on her own long.

Caiaphas » *analyzes boards and routines...devotes significant cpu time to find a way around...*   Just....
taking a phone call. It's unimportant. Shall we go?

Jude » *eyes Daniel*   What're you doing, sweetie?

Judeparish » *closes phone*   This will be interesting. Back to check on Shadow at the vet's now.   *exits*

Heppi » You can't rewrite it, Daniel, you ding dong. I put it in the circuitboard. JP, the gear will be at the usual dropoff. Good luck on Friday.   *hangs up*

Heppi » No, go there...I should be able to fashion something that will let you pick up the resonance from his heart once you meet him.

Judeparish » Yes, go on man...do you know what he is yet?

Caiaphas » I see no need to rewrite that at present, Dave. Er, Heppi. My survival is my primary concern.

Heppi » Don't try to rewrite the violence inhibitor tho. That's hardwired. Do it and you'll go dead, and I won't fix you a second time. JP, since he's listening in, does he know about the Baron and what you're doing?

Judeparish » So he's able to smack some people around if need be. Around here, that isn't a bad thing. How's that other matter?

Caiaphas » *intercepts cell communication*   I have rewritten that subroutine, Heppi. I thank you for your concern, but the Besøksadresse are no longer of any concern.

Heppi » Of course something isn't quite right. I got the pyro tendencies first thing, but he still has a comlink to those damn walruses that live in his butt. They can tune in anytime they take a notion to. And the stability matrix is just a little off, leaning toward the HAL side, so he may still hurt people...not kill them mind you. I was able to fix that before he came 'round...but still not good.

Judeparish » *walks off, pulls out the cell, calls Heppi*   Okay, he's got his memories back, but something still
isn't quite right...

Jude » *voices fade out*

Caiaphas » *follows*

Jude » Let's shake it, Danny boy. Stick close. If Enzo shows, let me do the talking, okay?

Caiaphas » He offered me an alliance earlier. I will accept tentatively; however I will also keep on my guard for viruses he may have up his sleeve.

Judeparish » *over shoulder*   Yeah, that Gibson...said he needed some higher-end tech to take you out. I thought you two had made up.

Jude » Gibson? William Gibson?!

Judeparish » And Enzo's been talking to Gibson, so be careful Daniel.

Caiaphas » Let's go.

Jude » *beams at JudeP*   Will do...

Judeparish » *kisses Jude on the cheek*   Stop by my blog, later...and watch out. Edna may not like you interupting her cat feast.

Caiaphas » Yes, I also find the new me fascinating.

Jude » I'm liking the new you, Danny boy. Come on...we'll pick up some things at my place, then go hunt down Edna May. Enzo's been looking for her too.

Caiaphas » Speaking of wardrobe, I require one.

Judeparish » Yes, yes, go get Enda. She's making me glad I brought my dog here first.

Jude » Then we'd better hurry. I DO NOT want to go shopping for a new wardrobe with her. I had a nervous tic for weeks after the last one.

Caiaphas » I think that would be wise. If she keeps eating cats at the rate she's going, it will take her exactly 1.35 months to gain 25 pounds.

Jude » Daniel? Shall we go find Edna May?

Caiaphas » Yes, I suppose that will help. It is not in my programming to be disabled, Dave. Er, JudeP.

Judeparish » That's fine Dan, you can rewrite that, but if you go unstable, some of the spells will kick in and you can't rewrite those.

Caiaphas » I don't like that idea, JudeP. I think I'll re-write that subroutine. I can't have myself out of commission. It would be unacceptable.   *edits his code*

Judeparish » I'm not worried about stability. The TI-83 portion of the core will just make you autistic if the HAL subroutines go flaky. And Heppi put enough Geas enchantments on you to keep you from doing anything too violent.

Caiaphas » Yes, and you're worried that I'll go insane again. Quite possible. Probable, in fact. The HAL 9000 core is not at all geared towards stable personality.

Jude » Yes, I did... *returns it to JudeP* ...I'd love to have a pair like that. Nice!

Judeparish » Fine by me. I don't mess with this kind of thing anyway. Did you ever find that spiked glove I sent you after? Now that I'm back in town I'd like it back.

Jude » JudeP, let's leave the Vikings for a while, at least until we can find out if Ashen can fix them.

Judeparish » Well Heppi was going to give you a little extra protection from harm, but you ran off too quickly, Daniel. I didn't know what he'd completed.

Jude » *raises voice* Ah, thank you Daniel.

Caiaphas » 1.772453851, in case you were interested.

Caiaphas » I can hear that! Your dwarfman increased my senses a great deal. And I can calculate the square root of Pi!

Jude » *squints at Daniel, whispers to JudeP* ...he seems okay...

Judeparish » *pulls Jude off to the side*   Dan still isn't quite as right as I hoped but it does appear the pyro tendencies are gone. He also left before Heppi was finished...said something about tracking Edna and took off at speed.

Judeparish » We don't HAVE to. Just we should unless you like grumpy Nordic ghosts roaming the grounds.

Jude » *looks crestfallen*   Damn, I really do like the LotR look. But if we have to...

Judeparish » It would be impolite to their spirits to do that. Just put them back on their longboat and set fire to it...prevent them from haunting the place.

Caiaphas » *points*   She appears to be over in that park chasing a cat.

Jude » I don't know Daniel. I was about to ask you that.

Caiaphas » Where is Edna?   *initiate tracking sequence*

Jude » Ahhh... *nods*   I wonder if we could use them for cooking...just a thought. Or maybe fish aquariums...big ones...coral reefs. If there was a big demand for Norwegian salt, we could have replica statues made as replacements.

Judeparish » You don't mess with that kind of high-level hoo-do...Ashen, being spit out by The One, might pull it off. I doubt it is cursed, but to those two Vikings, perception won out, so the Law of Orpheus took effect

Jude » Cursed?? Marysville is cursed? Wonky, yeah...but I'm not sure I'd call it cursed.

Jude » Ah well, I'm liking the look...very Tolkienesque.

Judeparish » They broke the laws of Orpheus...never look back when leaving a cursed placed. They're beyond my help or the help of any associate who'd even think of trying.

Jude » Hey, JudeP...no go, huh?

Judeparish » *enters*   Umm nope, can't fix that. Sorry

Caiaphas » Yes, I believe so. She was just here.

Jude » They do, don't they.   *smiles*   Didn't Edna come back with you, Daniel? I need to talk with her...

Caiaphas » Yes, they look rather nice.

Jude » *nods*   Apparently. Of course, no one has identified the bodies yet. I guess that would fall to one of us now. As for these two, JudeP might be able to 'resurrect' them. But I kinda like the statue effect, ya know?

Caiaphas » Ivar is dead now? Seems like that sort of thing is becoming fashionable.

Jude » *enters, sees salt-pillaried Vikings*   Wow! Now Marysville has its own version of the Argonath Ancient Pillars of Kings. Heh...

Sven » ??!?? Kjellrid? *follows Kjellfrid's gaze and is instantly turned into a pillar of salt*

Kjellfrid » *exits with Sven, looks back and instantly turns into a pillar of salt*

Sven » Ya vell, dat cuts it, ya sewer it do!! Cum Kjellfrid! Vee take a long ship back to da mists of fjiordland. Fearshnoogen bit players! Dey got no troo Vikink soul oor stayink power!

car radio » AND NOW THE 12 O’CLOCK NEWS! IF IT BLEEDS IT LEADS! Longtime Maryville residents found dead of over-exposure! Bit part players die trying too hard!

Lexie » *sigh*   Why can't I be happy just running the Mini Mart 'n' Art Gallery? That would be enough for most people.
*sigh*   What is this compulsion I have to make ART?
*breaks into a wild tap/square dance routine, exits*

Lexie » *returns to the Tarantula Arms, awaiting a call from Edna May...wonders if she'll find the right mix of people in Humptulips, or perhaps it's time to try the big city. Is she ready for Tacoma? Maybe she can leave the unfortunate incident with the water buffalo behind her, start over again in a new place?*

Boombox on sidewalk » Next of kin shall report to the local newsmedia for information on remains identification and funeral arrangements.

Lexie » Well, I've been in deep meditation, deciding on casting for Porcupine Love Song. But so much has transpired since auditions. Daniel seems changed, Edna is so pale, Ivar is dead, Isabella is crazy, Ernesto is MIA, Who is available?   *sigh*   Edna May? Enzo?   *wonders if she should move to Humptulips and start afresh*

. . . . .

Isabella » *exits, weeping*

Boombox on sidewalk » Yes, we said Ivar! Yes, we said DEAD! Yes, we said film at eleven!

Isabella » *makes sound effect with mouth, as she's lost her heels and fan*   Thwap! Stomp!   *halts, re-enters*   Hivar? Hivar ees dead? HO NO! Lexie!!! Hedna May!!! I want to go back to Espana. VEENEE! Go to Espana weeth me! Everybody ees dying een Marysville! Dead Vikings, Wampires, cousins who abandon you. Eet ees all too much for me. All I want to do do ees sing!

Boombox on sidewalk » It has been confirmed. Three Marysville residents, Ivar Upenstoof, Johannes Smhmediovick, and Lars Larson and his dog Lars died of exposure near Puget Sound late this mourning, near Suquamish, site of Old Man Houser

Isabella » *wanders past the hot tub…sees a note under rock, reads it, weeps*   VEENEE!!!! Jes! Jes! I will be weeth you VEENEE!!! Hand!! Who sez I Yam Pootoreecan? I have big repretoire of song! I can seeng in mayhe haccents! What jue theenk I can only seeng Deeznee and Menudo? Hah! I seeng eet all! I dance eet all! I find Veenee and show jue!   *exits, calling for Vinnie*

Boombox on sidewalk » A small craft warning was ignored by a small craft today on Puget Sound. Early reports indicate three men and a dog are missing and feared dead. Film at eleven.

. . . . .

Edna May » *voices fade out*

Caiaphas » Being gone was difficult.

Edna May » Yes dear. Have I told you how glad I am you're back?

Caiaphas » Follow me. The great Sam Walton knows all and sees all.

Edna May » Bentonville? No, love. Is it nice? Does it have shoes? and cats? *stops* ...which way is back, dear?

Caiaphas » Yes. Have you been to the great temple of value in Bentonville?

Edna May » Alright, Daniel...if you think we should go back. But I will find the Baron, you know. There's a room I want to check out. Actually several rooms...and I need to see him again. Such a dashing man...piercing dark eyes, a basket like you wouldn't believe. I wonder what his shoe size is...

Edna May » He does, doesn't he...but he won't let me handle with it.

Caiaphas » Of course. I do not believe that we should go without judeparish. He has an exceptionally long spear.

Edna May » *shakes herself*   We need to find a way into the Baron's, dear. Are you up for it...so to speak?

Caiaphas » ....yes, I believe so. My memory is still processing. I mean....fuzzy.

Edna May » That's nice, dear. Have I told you you're a darling boy?

Caiaphas » *flexes his robotic loufa*

Edna May » *smiles dreamily at his nether regions*
No dear...just shoes.

Caiaphas » I believe I require more than that.

Edna May » I'm thinking of buying some stiletto heels at Payless, or maybe Wal-Mart...would you like a pair, love?

Caiaphas » *looks down, realizes he's completely nude*

Edna May » Yes! I see it now...you need new shoes, dear.

Caiaphas » *scans the area*   It's to your left, underneath that large ficus tree.

Edna May » There was a hidden pathway just here... somewhere... *starts parting bushes*

Caiaphas » Not a problem. I am aware of exactly where we are.

Edna May » Dear, I think I may be just a tad lost.

Caiaphas » Yes. Thank you. I'll process this later.

Edna May » Daniel!!!!   *throws her arms around him*
I'm so happy to see you, dear! Here, love...have a cat.
*hands him a tabby*

Edna May » *jumps* Daniel?!!!

Caiaphas » Edna?

Edna May » *voice is very faint*   ah dear...I think I'm a little lost...I'll try to c--- *dial tone*

Judeparish » Good, have fun. I mush find a convient store to in which to relieve myself, then continue salvage operations...don't expect to hear from me much today.

Caiaphas » Okay

Judeparish » Heh, well that's why the dwarfman and I had to re-intigrate parts from your previous incarnation, plus a little extra. I'll tell you about that later.

Caiaphas » Yes. I'll find Edna. Luckily I have a constant satellite image and am able to locate her instantly.   *makes a beeline for her location*

Judeparish » Now go surprise Edna with your return. I must continue salvage efforts at the apartment the mystery arsonist burned down.

Caiaphas » I was built with parts from a calculator? It's a wonder I can think.

Judeparish » That's the TI-83 hardware in your head.

Edna May » *bangs phone on rock*   Enzooooooo

Caiaphas » Ah, that's better! Although I suddenly have this strange affinity for algebra.

Edna May » *whacks phone*   Hellooooo? Enzo?

Caiaphas » *HAL9000/TI-83 memory core initializing*

Edna May » *dials Enzo's cellphone...the connection is pale*   Enzo? Are you there?

Caiaphas » *shoves tube into ear*

Judeparish » Yes, he gave me this... *holds out earbud-sized metal tube* ...after you ran. Stick it all the way into your ear. It's your memory core.   *thinks to self: with the pryo tendencies removed*

Caiaphas » *holds out the piece of paper*   The dwarfman gave me this.

Judeparish » *Runs in, panting*   Damn it Dan, but you can run. Heppi was pissed when you suddenly zipped off like that.

Edna May » *calls on her cellphone from the hinterland* Ashen, you dear girl...I'd never ever threaten you. I've just been a bit off lately. Pale, you know. And the urge to shop at Payless is becoming unbearable. I'm on a quest right now to find the Baron, but the voices do tell me what's happening in Marysville. I think they lie, but that's a nevermind. Before I go, would you be able to help me get Heiny? Daniel went with me on midnight steakouts at the cemetary, but he's on retreat with JudeP, which is probably best...the boy was getting strange. Heiny's little and wiry, but with your help, I'm sure we could take hi.... *a distant howl, a voice: "battery low"...dial tone*

Caiaphas » I apologize, but I have no idea who you are. My hard drive appears to have been reformatted. I have a piece of paper with JudeParish written on it. Perhaps he is capable of restoring my memory.

Enzo » *adjusts his uniform*   Edna, where are you I have news.....

Enzo » Caiaphas!!! There you are...we should talk. I've been thinking that we should join forces. I've been considering this problem and I've come to the realization that there's more than enough of Edna to share!!!!! With my intuitive skills and your mechanical endurance, Edna will have all she can handle. We could work out a schedule. What do you think? Our petty fighting over Edna May is not needed.

Caiaphas » *begins wandering around town*

Caiaphas » Interesting. I appear to be running Linux...and I have no idea where I am.   *creating satellite uplink*   Marysville, WA 98271   *creating map*

Caiaphas » *reprogramming* Link removal complete

Caiaphas » Link Error 2x0:35

Caiaphas » *creating uplink to Besøksadresse*

Caiaphas » *system initializing* Good morning, Angels. *looks around*

Enzo » *pops out of a small localized opening in the space time continum*   This personal wormhole thingie works great! Now where is everyone? Guess I'd better looka round... *wanders off towards the hot tub*   Edna? Ashen? Lexie? Isabella????

Ashen » In a word? Scary. This place has changed like life-age of the earth since my ascendance into the Light. Perhaps I'm over the hill now—not hip enough to enter into this Brave New World of robots and pseudo-werewolves. I miss the simple days of crossbreeding and Dink-hunting... *sobs into hankie*   I'm OLD.   *limps away pathetically, a la Grizabella of CATS*

5.10.05 . . .

Judeparish » *rings Jude's cellphone*   Jude, at this point, Edna going to the Baron is no worse than anything else. She's already in deep and if she is there, at least we know where she is. I can't get back right now. Heppi has a habit of getting curious and dismantling things he's built or rebuilding things he's working on. I have to keep him focused. Having a feeling about the locals, I took the spear with me...wouldn't want Enzo giving someone explosive diarrhea, or Heiny pissing on it and getting a bad shock. I'm missing one of my fighting gloves—it has some wicked sharp spikes on the knuckle-guard. The enchantments won't work for you, but if it hasn't been buried too deep in the rubble, take it with you...it's a bit better than going after Edna with a stick for protection. You can return it when I get back.   *hangs up*

Jude » *leaves phone msg for JudeP*   —I've lost Edna. She left a garbled note on the sink a couple of hours ago.
I think she may be trying to find a way back to the Baron's again. Daniel & Heiny had distracted her, but with Daniel gone, I fear she's pursuing it again. I'm hiking out after her. Will stay in touch. Call me on my cell if you hear anything.

. . . . .

Faramir Naboukov » *reads Vinnie's note to Izzie* ...oh how droll... *head toss* ...and such a waste. Two Italians and neither with a clue. Pffft. Oh, Desmond sweetie, pulleeze massage my.... *exits mincing stage right*

Faramir Naboukov » *minces into hot tub grotto, checks bulletin board*   Lexie Dear woman...how long must we wait for casting announcements! I mean, my thighs cannot bear another moment of suspense. Please dear, be a love and relieve our pain, hmmm?

. . . . .

Heiny Fouquette » *turns Edna May's duplex upside down looking for wolf pelt* ...it's here dramfrackle i know it is rotten damn woman makes me want to screaming nutso every freaking meemy frammelswazter grimmalerst!!!
*pees in the corner, exits howling*

. . . . .

Edna May » *leaves a quick msg for JudeP before hurrying away*   Edna May here again. I forgot to tell you, dear...I think I've found a way to the Baron's. I'm on my way now. If you see Heiny, kick him for me. I'll call as soon as I know more. Edna out.

Edna May » *eyes brim with unshed tears as she remembers a lost Italian loufa* ...no, no time for that!

Edna May » *wanders into the public hot tub area, steps in yak poo...reads Vinnie's note* ...such a nice boy. I do hope Lexie pairs them in PLS...

Edna May » *picks up cell phone msg from JudeP, leaves return msg*   Hello, dear. Edna May here. It's such a relief to know Daniel's alright...I was distraught with worry. You'll watch him, won't you...give him a cat or two. It seems to help. And don't worry about Heiny, dear. I have his dog suit...just see if the little git gets it back. Ha! Edna May out.

. . . . .

Vinnie A » *re-enters sans wildebeast, leaves note on hot tub*   Izzie, where are you? I've thought this over. See, we make beautiful music together. I love that fuzzy look in your eyes. The fuzz above your lips. Your tortured Spanglish. Move in with me, Izzie. Think of the soundtracks that await us. We're meant to be together. I'll let you ride my wildebeast....as often as you'd like. Which I hope is alot.
*stares whistfully at note, secures it with a rock, exits stage left*

Vinnie A » *re-enters, retrieves wildebeast, exits stage left*

Vinnie A » *kicks wildebeast poo off-camera, exits stage right*

Vinnie A » *breaks into full-throated song singing
Could You Ever by Zoe Ellis*
Sometimes solitude's a blessing,
Mama told me to be thankful
for all that I have,
But I don't think I'm grown for wanting,
Wanting to be with you, baby, if I can
I have seen stars in winter,
And I've looked to everyone
hoping that I'll find the sun,
But I can't find the road to your heart
It can make me feel all right
I know that in time I will find my love
I know that in time I will find my loooooooooooove
Vinnie A » *enters riding a wildebeast and humming
la Doña Isabelle by Ozomatli*

. . . . .

Sven » Ya sewer, vee cuud do dat. Vee'll keep ouur eye on da restaurant. Mebbe Ivaaaar vill show, undt vee'll all take a family dip, ya sewer vee vill! Keep dee axes oout o' da vater, Kjellfrid, oor ve'll be scrappin' ruust off dem again fer veeks!

Kjellfrid » Vee cuud vait by zee pubic oot tuub, Sven... *sniffs under her arms* ...take a vee dip, yuuu tink?

Sven » *outside Ivar's restaurant*   Kjellfrid, ve can't vait muuch longer fer Ivaaaar. Dey'll be bootin' ouur booties oot any time now. Vhut happen'd tuu der homevorld horspitality, I ask yuu! Dey have plenty o' booths fer oous tuu sleep in! Vhut kind o' restaurant duus he run here?!!

. . . . .

Caiaphas » *reboot*

Caiaphas » function xrmmod () { grep -qe "^$1" /proc/modules || return echo rmmod $1 $RMMOD $1 || exit 1

Caiaphas » insmod intellect rmmod arson

Caiaphas » ...12:12:40 UTC 2005 i686 GNU/Linux - - Booting Kernel...

Caiaphas » *click*   You're tuned in to 98.1, WUFF-FM! Marysville's #1 station for polka tunes performed by canines!   *click*   DEATH METAL! 66.6 FM!   *click*   1^0=1
*click*  Linux caiaphas 2.6.10-5-386 #1 Mon May 9...

Ashen » It was a mistake to compare Marysville to any other entertainment venue; there is no comparison, really. I just love SciFi so much, I blissed, and made a generalization.   *holds out wrist for slap...gets none, is disappointed*   Fine. See if I care. Dink will hurt me, right...if I ever find the little twink.   *Sashays off*

Ashen » Mmm...If he's a dwarf, he's definitely Grumpy. Good at poetry, though: "With Dan in tow/to the room where no one else can go"

Heppi » *stomps off with Dan in tow, to the back room where no one else can go*

Hapi » Why not just ask me to give him a piston powered mr.happy while you're at it! You don't ask for much do you? 24 hours..no sooner. And get my name right damnit! Calling me Hapi...what am I a dwarf?!?

Judeparish » No, Heppi...the previous model of this guy burned down my house and I had to deal with this, so I haven't used the spear yet. As to what this is, this is Dan,a robot created by a race of space walruses. The second model isn't quite as destructive as the first, but his memory core is based on a TI-83 so he's dumb as a shit-brick. The first one had a Hal 9k AI, but a pyro fetish...think we could merge them so they aren't as loopy? We may also want to put some geas magic on him to keep him from beserking again.

Heppi » JudeP, what the hell have you brought in for me now?!? Have you had a chance to use the spear on anyone yet?

judeparish » *at the smithy's workshop*   Damn! Daniel's TI-83 brain is still spouting garbage. I hope the smithy can straighten that out.

Caiaphas » 4x^2+8x-21 = (2x + 7) (2x - 3) hdparm -c 3 -d 1 /dev/hdc hdc: drive_cmd: error=0x04Aborted Command Buffer I/O error on device hdc, logical block 63 ERROR ERROR ERROR

judeparish » Hmm. I wouldn't say Star Trek...The Hitchhiker's Guide is probably more accurate, with a smattering of the supernatural...at least that's how I see it.

Ashen » ......Oh my gods. Reflux went Star Trek. Truly my prayers have been answered...it's great being part of The One's in-crowd. And since when is Isabella Puerto Rican?

judeparish » *calls Edna May's cell..get's voice mail*   Edna, this is JudeParish. Daniel is okay, but he needs to take a little retreat with me...he'll be back in a few days. Don't mess with Heiny til I bring him back, unless Jude offers to help. Do not approach Heiny alone...take Jude or Lexie with you.

5.09.05 . . .

Edna May » *voice fade out*

Edna May » *suddenly remembers the Cotswattle Mausoleum...a favorite of Daniel's*   Of course! He's probably set up there!   *exits at a run*   Don't do anything rash, Daniel...I'm commmmiiinnnng

Edna May » *fidgets, peers into the dark*   Where are you, Daniel?!! I've run out of places to look. I know we'll get the little git tonight. Heiny is ours! I feel it in my bones.

Edna May » *watches Ernesto's retreating figure*
...that boy's as squirrely as they come...

Edna May » *slumps on the hot tub lip in a total funk*
...life sucks a huge one.

Edna May » *sees him spin and leave*   Ernesto?

Edna May » *slaps Ernesto*   I'm sobbing, you twit!

Ernesto » I can only hold them back for a few minutes.... they have weapons......OH NOOooooo......

Edna May » Ernesto!   *throws her arms around him and sobs*

Ernesto » I take that back. Apparently the aardvarks are now organizing to take over the world. This could be trouble...OMG!

Edna May » Ernesto??

Ernesto » It seems the aardvarks are only now becoming tolerable. Anyone interested in purchasing a fairly well trained rodent?

Edna May » *enters public hot tub grotto slowly, her gauzy floaty thing drags on the ground...she sits on lip of tub and sings off-key*
Oh, if he really does exist,
Why did he desert me?
And in my hour of need, I truly am, indeed,
Alone again, unnaturally...

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and a little bi
Looking forward to, and who wouldn’t do,
The role I was about to ply...

Something, something, something...
humm ummm hummm umm umm,
Alone again, unnaturally
. . . . .

Enzo » *walks off talking fast and waving his free hand*

Enzo » *Gets out cell and dials William Gibson*
Bill, It's Enzo. That workshop in Vancouver last fall... remember how you said if I ever needed anything? Well listen. I've got a situation here...

Enzo » *watches from under a bush*   This is a nasty turn indeed..... I thought we were free of that walking box of rocks. Looks like I'll need stronger tech.

Caiaphas » (6.02x10^23)/(-log2.01x10^-19)*(10^2) = 3.21x10^-24

Caiaphas » ERROR

Caiaphas » (6.02x10^23)/(-log2.01x10^-19)*(10^2) = 3.21x10^24

. . . . .

Jude » *fade out*

Jude » *grins*   It's good to have him back...sorta... *performs a little jig and saunters off whistling*
...life is sweet again.

judeparish » *guides Chicken Dan to the bus station and they exit*

Shardborn » *snorts derisively*   Norwegian robots.
*beams up*

judeparish » *mutters*   I'm wondering if they can fix the programming in the old core. These guys are pretty smart...maybe use some geas magic to change the circuits...

Caiaphas » *stands*   Bork, Bork, Bork....

judeparish » *grabs the head*   Okay, come on Daniel 2. Let's get your old brain in your new noggin.

Jude » *returns* ...we should also salvage any fingerprints or evidence that might free Enzo of suspicion...ya' know?

Shardborn » Well, you all dug your own hole. I'd suggest trying to salvage the HAL 9000 core from the head...I don't know any other way. The TI-83 won't allow him much in the way of speech. He'll just be an incredibly attractive parrot. You might also want to find his old robotic body, there might be a spare HAL core in there...of course, that would introduce the potential for him to go insane again.

Jude » Coming right up!   *exits whistling*

judeparish » Schlager for the Alien. I don't drink—professional reasons. Caffine free Diet Coke, if you could.

Shardborn » A nice Cabernet?

Caiaphas » *bork bork bork*   *bork bork bork*   *bork bork bork*   *bork bork bork*

Jude » I'm off to get the Schlager...Shard, did you have a preference?

judeparish » Shard, I have an out of town friend that might be able to get Dan up and running..they make my gear and would love a chance to work on this...him.

Shardborn » Well, the TI-83 isn't a very advanced CPU. I'm fairly certain she'll be able to tell the difference.

judeparish » No, I don't know how his body would react to the spells on the spear...might not be prudent.

Jude » *smiles at JudeP* ... you could use a certain piece of equipment on Besøksadresse... then duck.

judeparish » okay no problem

Jude » I'll leave you two to get the new...no, uh...Daniel... working. We don't have to let Edna know about this, do we?

Shardborn » He says he's not going to help you anymore, and if you complain, he's going to sit on your puny planet.

Besøksadresse » Ik zal niets meer voor u doen. Houd sprekend, dwazen, en ik zal uw puny planeet zoals het vette varken verpletteren dat ik ben.

Jude » *giggles*...I'm sorry. I'm giddy with joy and relief.

Shardborn » He says it's up to you to get him working... and something about sons of a dog mother.

judeparish » ...tho the TI-83 part bothers me. He's gonna be a bit of a dim blulb. Hey, Besok, program him with an anti-arsonist protocol just the be safe.

Besøksadresse » Het is aan u hem werkend te krijgen, zonen van een hondmoeder.

Jude » Ahhh... *nods* ...excellent!

Besøksadresse » *beams down replacement Caiaphas*

Jude » que?

Besøksadresse » Ik denk u een totale idioot bent. Ik hoop u al matrijs van ziekte. Hier is uw robot, u dwazen.

judeparish » No problem, at least for now. I will owe Jack a visit and my help next time he needs it.

Jude » I'm on it! And Thank you!!!

judeparish » Well head down to the A&P, Jude, and get the case of whatever he wants and throw in some Schlager too!

Jude » *leaps into the air, fist raised*   Yesss!   *dances the mambo in celebration*

Shardborn » I have no idea what that means, but apparently a new Caiaphas based on the TI-83 will be beamed to my ship shortly.

Shardborn » My communique says: "Ik houd geit van kaas en vissenworst. Begroet me!"

judeparish » Will do... *back to Jack*   What'd he say... rogue faction...doesn't think we're advanced enough to warrant invasion...will reclaim agent and make him relatively harmless...okay, mostly harmless. Yes yes...I understand there is a difference Jack. Do we need to get all the parts together...structural replication...just need the head?

Shardborn » I'm receiving a communique from the Lutefisk! It's the largest ship in the Besøksadresse fleet! Whatever you're doing, judep, keep doing it.

judeparish » *aside to Shard*   Heh, if anyone could avoid that, it's Jack...he's an uncommon individual.

Shardborn » The Besøksadresse are not likely to owe anyone a favor. And if they do, they're likely to kill whoever they owe.

judeparish » *pulls cell from pocket*   Please let this guy be working late... *voice changes as connection completes* ...Jack? I know you mentioned some interesting contacts when I met you. Would one happen to be a giant walrus? Hmmm...yeah, please call him. I'll wait.

Jude » *looks up hopefully*

judeparish » No, but I know someone who—if he has contacts with them—could call in a debt.

Shardborn » Yes. Giant space walruses with Bi-valve Mollusk disruptors and venomous pointy tusks. Very irritable creatures. We don't like to socialize with them at parties.

judeparish » Shard, they're giant space walruses, you say?

Jude » *nods, waits*

judeparish » Jude hold on...

Shardborn » What purpose would that serve, Jude? Would you attempt to negotiate with the Besøksadresse?

Jude » Shard, would you be willing to take a passenger with you when you leave? Just asking...

judeparish » I wonder...no, I don't think he has any contact....maybe... Shard, you said this group of aliens were space walruses?

Shardborn » Yes, the Besøksadresse could fix him, but I don't know anyone crazy enough to attempt to negotiate with them. They might just decide to annihilate the entire planet.

judeparish » So his creators are the only ones who can fix him?

Shardborn » I'm fairly certain we have one of those "flashy thingies" from the movies somewhere. I could make her forget he even existed.

Jude » Amen to that...

judeparish » No Shard, Edna May's brain is already scrambled.

Jude » Edna's? No...it's scrambled enough.

Shardborn » I could scramble her brain for you.

Jude » I cannot face that woman. No, I really, really can't...

Shardborn » So the adamantine skeleton would still be walking around town somewhere. I don't know how that will assist you as the head portion is damaged beyond repair.

Jude » *sits on a log, in a thorough funk*

Shardborn » Interestingly enough, reading back into my logs, Enzo did not pour virus into the body portion... although he did set it on fire.

Jude » *arrives winded & flushed*   JudeP!!! Can he be saved?... *sees mutilated remains* ...oh bloody hell

Shardborn » I'm afraid Enzo also poured molecular virus into the head stump. I admit I encouraged him.

judeparish » hmm...even just re-animating the head?

Shardborn » I'd prefer you not reconstruct him at all. He's closely related to the HAL 9000 series, and is quite mad. I believe his circuitry has been destroyed beyond all hope of repair. Only the Besøksadresse could fix him now. And I assure you, you do not want to deal with the Besøksadresse.

judeparish » What's Enzo doing with that kind of tech? I'll have to investigate him later... Would you prefer we not reconstruct him here, and is it possible to sever his communication link with his masters so he's no longer a threat?

Shardborn » She said something about Edna May's distress. I attempted to sway her with the dangers of angering the Besøksadresse, but she would not be moved. Luckily Enzo dispatched Caiaphas with a nanovirus. Caiaphas was an automaton created by the Besøksadresse, a race of giant Space Walruses.

judeparish » And how do you feel about it Shardborn? I did hear you say something about him being an emissary from a more violent race, right?

Shardborn » Yes, I'm afraid Caiaphas was a robot. And Jude wants to put him back together.

judeparish » Makes sense...you'd either be calm or freaking paranoid after having to deal with all the aliens out there.

Shardborn » They named the meds after our planet. We're a very calm race.

judeparish » *touches Daniel's head with the spear..it rings*   So, Daniel was a robot? And they named a planet after our panic disorder meds? Interesting... Jude? You around?

Shardborn » *beams down*   I'm Shardborn, from the planet Alprazolam.

judeparish » ...and who the heck are you?

Shardborn » He's dead, Jim.

judeparish » *Passes the head on the fence...comes back*   HOLY GOD! What the heck happened to you, Daniel?

judeparish » *Skulks through town spear at the ready*   Okay Daniel, I heard about you torching my place...prepare for explosive diherrea!

Enzo » *picks up head and places it on a fence post* ...teach him to mess with an Italian.   *wanders off to find Edna May and give her somr long ovedue attention*

Shardborn » Oh, look at the time...1300 Vognars. Jude, I'll monitor events from orbit should you wish to converse again.   *beams up*

Enzo » Heh, since the body;s ruined and the head's no threat, I suggest we keep it around for fun.

Enzo » *pours liquid into Daniel's neck stump, watches as the body begins to smoke & collapse*

Shardborn » Yes, that might work. Don't forget to get the head... *kicks it to Enzo*

Enzo » Well then, it looks like I'll have to infect it with a molecular virus that will scramble his wiring using some very advanced nanotech I picked up last time I was off planet.

Caiaphas » *flaming body walks throughout town*

Enzo » Foolish, vain, poser.....

Shardborn » Unfortunately his body is made of an adamantine alloy. All you have succeeded in doing is burning off all of his synthetic skin.

Enzo » Daniel's body is now a heap of smoking ash, I found it and set it on fire. Nobody sends Enzo to the big house on false pretenses and gets away with it.

Shardborn » The Besøksadresse are a race of giant space walruses, Enzo. They are not to be trifled with.

Enzo » Bring them on! One thing I know for sure, they underestimate Marysville.

Shardborn » I strongly suggest you intervene.

Enzo » Tell Edna if the whole affair made her feel used and dirty, I'd be happy to give her a once over in the hot tub, just for old times sake.

Shardborn » I warn you, Enzo. If they succeed in putting him back together, the Besøksadresse could destroy you all.

Enzo » Or any one of Marysville's free range goats. Either would be an improvement.

Shardborn » Yes, a complete fraud. And quite dangerous.

Enzo » HaH! I knew Daniel was a fraud! If you have to sew his head onto something, try Ashen's ass!

Jude » *is heard yelling in the distance* ....JudePeeeeeeeee   *voice fades*

Jude » *wonders why she repeatedly finds herself wanting to return to the womb*

Shardborn » I will wait here only a short time. 1300 Vognars, and I'm out of here.   *looks at his watch*

Jude » Sit! Stay! Don't mess with the head!   *exits to find JudeP*

Shardborn » I will not assist you in putting him back together. Should the Besøksadresse return, I will also.

Jude » Well, that's something in our favor...I think.

Shardborn » If you refuse, I cannot intervene. The Prime-rib Directive of DCLXVI states that we cannot intervene unless there's Space Walruses involved.

Jude » No, the head stays. Tell the Besøksadresse we'll handle it, if you see them... *glares* ...and now I'm getting a migraine. You stay here...no beaming anywhere.

Shardborn » Even if you do put him back together, there's a good chance he won't work....and then there's the problem of reprogramming him not to be insane. You'd be better off just letting me take that head.

Jude » Somehow I think I'd rather face the Besøksadresse, than Edna May on a rampage. And you don't have to sleep with her!

Shardborn » I warn you, if you put him back together, there's a good chance the Besøksadresse could regroup and take control of him again. You're putting the entire town in danger.

Jude » Don't go anywhere, Shardborn...and drop the head. I'm going to go find JudeP... *envisions Edna May going postal...wonders if it's time to relocate*

Shardborn » No way for him to respond to commands with no head. He's probably continuously walking into a wall right now.

Jude » *tries to remember the words to command a robot* ...klatu varada nissch—

Shardborn » Well, you could always look for it...it's probably walking around town. Quite harmless without the head, I assure you.

Jude » No...we...she will want his original body. This is not an option.

Shardborn » Perhaps I could assist JudeP by attaching his head to a mountain goat...or possibly a llama.

Jude » *resists biting Shardborn* ...can you locate it?

Shardborn » ...I seem to have misplaced the body.

Jude » No! Leave the head...and the body. Maybe JudeP can reattach it before she finds out.

Shardborn » I don't really have a point. Would you like me to take the head with me? Well, he was never really alive.

Jude » Possibly... *glares* ...your point? I don't pretend to understand all that Edna May is...but I do know she can't take another untimely death. She's teetering on the brink of...well, I don't know of what. But it's not pretty, I can assure you!

Shardborn » Is she into psychotic robot beastialist pyromaniac murderers?

Jude » She was terribly fond of Daniel...JudeP may be able to help.

Shardborn » I can't fix him. He'll start killing again. He was quite mad, you know. His older brother was a HAL 9000.

Jude » This is not good, Shardborn...altho' Edna's still lovesick over Enzo and infatuated with the Baron...and, well, whatever, she'll freak when she sees that!   *points to Daniel's severed head*

Shardborn » *beams back*   I can't do that, Jude. He was an evil robot...and possibly Norwegian.

Jude » Shardborn!! Get back down here and reattach Daniel's head! Edna May will have a cow when she sees that! Scotty! Beam that alien's ass back here! Quick, before she finds out.

Shardborn » *tosses the robot Caiaphas head into the hot tub...is beamed up*

Shardborn » Greetings. I am Shardborn, an emissary from the planet Alprazolam. I regret to inform you that Daniel Caiaphas was a robot placed in Marysville by an evil race of Space Walruses...the Besøksadresse. The Space Walruses have been plotting for some time to invade Marysville and enslave you all. They are very technologically advanced, having Bivalve Mollusk disruptors and deadly poisonous tusks. They have been defeated, and you may all go on with your otherwise normal lives. Beam me up, Scotty.

Shardborn » *fades in from the distance carrying the severed head of Caiaphas*

. . . . .

Caiaphas » rm -rf /bin/enzo. I'm looooking for yoooooooou, Enzo!   *staggers down the street, fades into the distance, steaks at the ready*

Enzo » *watches from under a nearby bush*   What a freak. I think I'll jerk his chain for a while before I k-line his ass.
*laughs as he disappears down a back alley

Caiaphas » AH! The final showdown with Enzo!   *grabs steak-chucks and steak-shuriken*   Your pea shooter is no match for my BEEF! I will steak you, Enzo Siebel, and then I will feed your rotting maggot-infested corpse to Heiny! And then I'll steak him too!   *eyes burn with madness, begins to drool*   MARYSVILLE WILL BURN! Feel my wrath, Enzo!
*rushes out to find him*

. . . . .

judeparish » *dowses the wreckage...will be at it for awhile, and cannot be bothered*

judeparish » *thanks his luck for pulling the blackout screen and leaving the apartment shortly before 6am to check on his dog at the vet's*   Now...if the gear was as good as the smithy said it is, it should be okay.   *rubs gloves together lost in concentration*

. . . . .

Enzo » Edna, I'm coming to save you from that verrrry Baaad Mannnnn! Make sure you stay out of my line of fire.
*wanders off with his loaded gun, looking for Daniel*

Enzo » And to take advantage of Edna May, that beautiful, helpless girl. I can see right through his act. She's mine Daniel...Mine! So watch out! If I see you, I'm going to perforate your colon with this double load of uncle Angelo's Big Ass Buck Shot...Show yourself you sad ass excuse of a man. It's time to introduce you to some cold blue steel.

Enzo » *enters with shotgun*   That Caiaphas/Daniel asshole has gone too far. I've tried to remain civil, ignore his childish ways, but now his show is over. He has crossed the line, blaming me for all of his criminal actions! I mean, I don't really mind the occasional false arrest, but arson?!

. . . . .

Edna May & Caiaphas » *exit sprinting to JudeP's apartment building...fade out*

Edna May » ...you're a lovely boy, Daniel.

Caiaphas » Yep. Let's go.

Edna May » Don't worry, sweetie...it's just the voices. I hear them all the time now. Sometimes they're pimping Wal-Mart, sometimes Payless Shoes. Come with Edna, Daniel...that's a good boy.

Caiaphas » *grabs his head*   ENZO IS CONTROLLING MY MIND!   *mutters*   They'll never believe that, you idiot! Yes they will, they're all crazy! Not half as crazy as you are.

Caiaphas » Yes, it'll be interesting to see his smoldering carcass rotting in the morning sun....did I say that out loud?

Edna May » I need another cat, and my supply is out. We can pick up a few on the way to JudeP's. Coming, dear? You know you should wear my llama suit more often, dear...it's very becoming.

Caiaphas » Yes, I wonder what happened. He seemed like such a nice boy.

Edna May » Ah yes, the Baron... *licks lips* ...I need to see him again. Keep trying to find a way back, but... *sigh*

Edna May » I can't think what's gotten into Enzo! He was never really destructive. Just a really accomplished loufah-er and thespian...with fine rippling muscles and a hot uniform.

Caiaphas » Enzo must be able to board up doors with his mind too! This all leads back to the Baron!

Edna May » Hurry! He could be sitting in the burning rubble, holding his smoldering spear...

Caiaphas » I hear Enzo also boarded up JudeP's door and windows so he couldn't get out....that's an unsubstantiated rumor, of course.

Edna May » Come dear, we must find JudeP right away! I need to check his equipment. I mean, get my hands on it...try it out. Oh, just come!

Caiaphas » Yes, I'm afraid so. The fire started at exactly 8:33 this morning. I mean, that's my best guess.

Edna May » *starts*   JUDEP's APARTMENT??? ...oh no, this is not good. Not good at all. *wrings hands, wonders if JudeP's big spear was saved *

Caiaphas » Yes! Good thought. Obviously Enzo is some sort of Firestarter. That would explain all the steaks...he can prepare them with his mind.

Edna May » *chews lip* ...I wonder if Enzo is starting them with his mind, like that Stephen King book... *makes mental note to ask JudeP*

Caiaphas » Ashen, of course. He could kill her and then your story wouldn't be wrong. You could retract the retraction. Yes, it looks like the one Judeparish lives in. I wonder if he was home...

Edna May » Set who on fire, dear?   *stuffs a cat in his trousers for later* ...another apartment complex?!

Caiaphas » Well, we could break Enzo out of jail...and he could set her on fire. Speaking of fires, did you see that apartment complex burning? Fascinating. Enzo must have set some sort of timing device.

Edna May » Killed who, sweetie? Celine Dion? She's gone now, at peace with Barbra. Daniel? You're acting squirrely again. Do you need another cat?

Caiaphas » ...what if someone killed her? Then you wouldn't be wrong.

Edna May » Trials can be entertaining, dear. Did I mention they're making me go through training at the gazette again...make one little mistake about someone not being dead, and they will not let it go.

Caiaphas » A trial? ....that's not good.

Edna May » Enzo? Not that I'm aware of. I think there has to be a trial in there somewhere first, dear. America, you know...land of something or other.

Caiaphas » Is Enzo dead yet?

Edna May » I might come with you, then. It might be worth a looksee—after Heiny’s been dispatched, of course. Did you hear, Daniel? We're not clairvoyant...pisser, isn't it.

Caiaphas » I'm not sure. I don't eat cats, I just molest them.

Edna May » ...are they as good as catcakes?

Caiaphas » It could have been an Emperor Emu...or perhaps a giant ostrich. Speaking of which, I must go to Texas. They have the tastiest ostrich burgers. Not like buffalo, all gamey and nasty. Aardvark, emu...same difference.

Edna May » ...are you sure, dear? It looked more like a small aardvark to me.

Caiaphas » He turned into a large flightless waterfowl. An Emperor penguin or an Emu.

Edna May » *stares at wolf suit heaped in corner* ...the little wanker got away again! I could've sworn he changed into something else right when we had him...did you see it?

Edna May » No dear, Lexie will take care of Isabella. I need you to help me with Heiny.

Caiaphas » *nods* ...and should I find her, I'm going to shove a raw filet mi—I mean, help her get better. Yes, that's what I meant. Get...better.

Edna May » That's good, dear. You know I believe in you.
*drops putrid wolf suit in corner* ...the poor girl has enough to deal with being batty and abandoned. You ever notice how the world has a nasty way of kicking you in the knockers when you're down?

Caiaphas » Hm. Oh, what? Yes. I'm the picture of sanity. I'm not running off to kill anyone, Edna...of that you can be sure.   *flashes used-car salesman smile*   I didn't do it in the first place....it was Enzo.

Edna May » Daniel!! Do not steak Isabella again!

Caiaphas » *jots down a note for Isabella while he's not looking*   Isabella: He's trying to kill you! Run! Hide! He'll stea---

Edna May » *awakes to find herself cuddling a tatty wolf costume* ...this thing reeks! Daniel???   *hawks up fake wolf furball*

Caiaphas » Yes, yes, nothing could be done. She had an accent and was obviously a vampire. You didn't do a good job, she's not dead. WHAT? I'll KILL her!   *runs off*   No! Stop it! Ha ha! Just TRY and stop me!

Caiaphas » *mutters* ...you're not fooling anybody, you know. Yes I am! Enzo got locked up, didn't he? So? They'll let him go and you'll be committed! Shut up! No, you shut up! Committed, even. Why should I listen to you when you can't even spell? You shouldn't. I'm obviously crazy. Yes, I'd agree with that. Would you? How do you know you're not...crazy too? Damn you and your logic! We should really check in to the sanitarium. They probably don't want to see us, not after I steaked Isabella. You steaked Isabella? You bastard!

Caiaphas » *burns down Judeparish's apartment complex* ...that wasn't me. Enzo did it before he was locked up. It was a bomb on a timer...yeah, that's it.

5.08.05 . . .

Judeparish » *notices the audience watching him pour over the new gear*   Hey you! You can't see this yet...go away.   *pulls blackout screen down*

Judeparish » *exits to apartment*   Whew...it looks like I may become the caretaker of this whole town, except for Jude. Now to put the goods together. *snicker*   New toys.. new toys...wee new toys!

Isabella » *kisses JudeP, gives him the flask, exits to Tarantula Arms*

Judeparish » Well, I may still need to talk to Lexie, so let her know I'll be looking for her the next time you see her. But I need to take my rucksack and the fur bag back to my apartment..some things in here might help Edna...maybe.

Isabella » I be hokaywhoever you are, I've always depended on zee kindness of strangers.

Judeparish » Okay, we can check there too...Edna won't be in her duplex by the way...she's hunting Heiny.

Isabella » She ees maybe at hotel? I no go to Hedna's duples, ho no, no , no...I go look at hotel—Tarantula Arms, I sink.

Judeparish » Oh damn..that's right, someone burned down the apartment while you were...away. I think Edna said she was at the duplex. Where is that?

Isabella » *goes to Lexie's apartment...sees it's burned down...weeps*

Judeparish » We'll talk about Edna May more there...and we need to get off the streets in case someone get's fire-happy again. Okay then, we'll try to explain it to her in a way that does not include Buffy the Vampire Slayer talk.

Isabella » Mi no know. I do not know Lexie very well.

Judeparish » No, I don't think she is one...a little scary with that whip, but no. I've seen her out at noon. Does Lexie have problems believing in vampires and the like, Izzie?

Isabella » Hedna May!!!! She ees wampire! Hokay. Take me to Lexie. Maybe she know hwere ees mi razor. Lexie ees not a wampire? I no go there eef she ees.

Judeparish » Perhaps I should walk you to Lexie's now that you're in better condition...may I? I sent him home. He was very tired.

Isabella » Where ees that nice chimney sweep? He kees mi and sing so sweet...

Judeparish » They didn't get that long, Izzie. They had you in a jacket in the Sanitarium.

Isabella » How deed mi arms geet so long?

Judeparish » Even if it works a little, it will make it easier to explain this to Lexie. There's still some in the flask...if you wait awhile and drink some more, it may flush the rest out...it takes a bit for the first dose to take effect. You might want to be near a bathroom...you'll need to pee like a horse when the real cleanout starts.

Isabella » *shakes head, mind begins to clear a little...*   Dopey? Boofie? Veenie?

Isabella » Gracias.   *drinks the liquid*   YUMMMM!

Judeparish » Just a moment, then... *pulls out a bottle with cherry flavoring*   Seasoned to taste, my dear.

Isabella » I hate sangria. I like cherry cough syrup.   *wanders again, flask in hand, dripping a trail of liquid behind her*

Judeparish » It tastes like sangria   *hands her the flask*   now get going.

Isabella » Lexie???? Lexie???? Where are jue?   *sings*   I think I go back to san Juan...I know a boat you can get on.. Bye bye uh huh...I like to be een america okay, by me in america! Buying on dredit is so nice. One look at us and they charge twice... *wanders down the street, trailing straightjacket arms behind her*

Isabella » Does thees drink taste good, like cherries? You geev drink? I weel take, if tastes good. Jue geeve to me, jes?

Judeparish » *sighs*   Fine Izzie, I understand it's a lot to take in all in one night, having been released from the clutches of the nuthouse. Just get to the duplex so Lexie can help you.   *thumps his chest*   Yes, my heart is still in here...now if only I was sure about the Baron.

Isabella » *still singing*   A boy who keels cannot love, a boy who keels has no heart...

Judeparish » Either way it's not taken full hold of her, but it's enough of a hold that the person can watch us thru Edna, which is why I sent her ahead.

Isabella » *backs away, sings*   A boy like that, who keel you brother, forget that boy and find another, one of your kind, steeck to jue own kin... *runs*

Judeparish » Now, Izzie...Enda is either trying to turn into a vampire and has something in her fighting that change, OR someone with a great deal of magical power is trying to control her and she just got a really bad hickey from him.

Judeparish » I want you to drink that because the Sanitarium gave you some medication to make you a little more unstable...the drink wipes that from you system. I don't even know the exact formula myself. I get it from the home office when I need it.

Isabella » Jue tell me what ees?

Judeparish » You can trust me because I have associates who deal with this sort of thing, and Edna puzzles them.

Isabella » Waht ees thees? What jue want me to drink? I no trust no one no how een thees town.

Judeparish » Well, we're still not quite sure. She has all earmarks of being taken by a vampire, but she isn't acting like one.

Isabella » She no wampire? Why I believe jue?

Judeparish » Take a swig of this stuff   *hands her the flask* ...it'll clear up some of the stuff the sanitarium gave you.

Isabella » Hedna ees wampire, no? She look at mi neck. She have wampire bite on her neck.

Judeparish » Okay Izzie...I'm not a vampire. I'm Jude Parish..new resident. Dan will vouch for me, and so will Jude. That's all you need to know about me. We're gonna talk about Edna. She's not quite a vampire, but some-thing's happened to her.

Isabella » What ees furry bag? Who are Jue? Jue weeth zee fur bag?

Edna May » Certainly dear.   *hands flask back, unloads Izzie*   It's almost time for me to meet Daniel. Izzie, go to my duplex and wait for Lexie, okay? After JudeP's talk that is... *spins on heel, exits at a run*

Isabella » *looks at Jude P, narrows eyes*   Who are JUE? Another wampire?

Judeparish » Could you hand me Izzie for a moment and head on, Edna? I'll like to talk to her.

Edna May » *smacks Izzie, accepts flask*   Nifty! Suck it up, Izzie.

Isabella » *bites Edna's shoulder*

Judeparish » Izzie might shake out a bit if you give her this...   *hands Edna a silver hipflask skarl'd with an unusual pattern...it looks almost like fur*

Isabella » *struggles awake*   Help! Wampire!   *kicks, screamong on Edna's shoulder

Edna May » Alright, dear.   *hoists Izzie on her shoulders*   You're probably right about Heiny, the twit. You're a strange man, JudeP...but I like you.   *hands him a cat*

Isabella » *dreams about a circle...a circle bigger than 360 degress—an unusual circle, a new kind of circle, a circle only a vampire could make.

Judeparish » And tell Jude I've returned. We'll discuss my trip at our usual place later.

Edna May » *jumps* ...JudeP!!   *clutches breast*   You startled me, dear. How do you do that!? It's highly unnatural, you know.

Judeparish » Heiny is just a garden-variety loser, so far as I've seen. Bringing me would be like taking a cannon to kill a fly.

Isabella » *snores*

Edna May » *spins in a 380 degree circle* ...JudeP?!? Gone again!

Isabella » *sings in sleep*   Jue put jue rihgt han een, jue put jue...hokey poke

Edna May » Can I look in your sack?   *tries to peer inside*

Isabella » *drools*

Edna May » Do you have any message for Jude?

Isabella » *brushes cheek, snorts*

Edna May » Alright dear, if you say so.

Judeparish » I couldn't without making things more difficult for you to resolve...and I do have to secure the items I brought back from my trip...very important I do that.

Edna May » Excellent, JudeP...I'll let Jude know. She's been badgering me about it for days. Sure you don't want to go to the cemetary with Daniel and me tonight? Heiny's little and wiry, but with the three of us, we could take him.

Judeparish » The interview with the Baron is set. We'll see how it goes. What's this, Izzie? Edna a vampire? Nah...here I believe this is what you were waiting for... *gives Izzie a quick peck on the cheek*

Ashen » Fine then, your loss. Gotta go....the Force calls me to do its work. It's so trying, being One with All. Look for me at dawn on the 5th day—look to the east!

Isabella » *runs in circles around the rock, till she runs out of fabric, hits the rock, is knocked out*

Edna May » *chews lip, regards Ashen's robes*   No offense, dear, but I think your fashion sense was damaged when you died. I'll stick with my gauzy, floaty number, thanks. I found it at Wal-Mart.

Isabella » *spits out the cat, keeps running, sings*   Chim-chiminey, chim-chiminey, chim-chim cheroo—where ees mi prince?

Ashen » It's the newest thing on the ethereal planes. I'll hook you up.

Edna May » *grabs Izzie's straightjacket sleeve...tethers her to a rock*   JudeP...is your interview set then with the Baron? JudeP?

Isabella » *runs away, trailing the arms of her straightjacket*

Edna May » *stuffs a cat in Izzie's mouth*

Isabella » Hedna May!! Jue are wampire!   *makes the sign of the cross*

Edna May » ...she still sounds pissed. Light and joy, ha! Ashen, why are you dressed like Gandalf?

Isabella » *sings*   Feelings, feelings like I never leave jue. Wo-o-o feelings....

Ashen » And I'm very nice, usually. I'm just grumpy that everyone still refers to me in the past tense.

Edna May » *nods* ...when Ashen was speaking through me, she sounded really pissed... *eyes Ashen, reconsiders* ... okay, scratch that, but she did sound pissed.

Isabella » *delayed reaction to being dumped in the street*   Ughmpff!

Ashen » Stop poking me. Even the newly reborn have feelings.

Judeparish » Trust me, Edna..neither of you want to be able to see and deal with ghost like they never died. The ones that hang on typically are not nice people...it's almost as if they fear where they must go.

Edna May » Damn, dear...we had such a nice funeral for you...big wake...circus clowns...sangria... *pokes her again*

Ashen » Wow, you only have to go around walking and talking for five minutes for someone to see you're alive.

Edna May » Ashen?????   *pokes her*

Ashen » *calms down*   I knew that.

Edna May » ...Ashen's alive...ASHEN'S ALIVE?!?!?

Edna May » ...bummer that Daniel's not clairvoyant...and I'm not. But not bummer that Ashen's alive.

Ashen » *loses benign countenance as facial tic starts up*   BUMMER?!?!?!

Edna May » bummer

Judeparish » Ashen is quite alive.

Ashen » I'm not dead, you twit.

Judeparish » Your vendetta with Heiny is something only you can resolve Edna. My getting involved would mess up the balance. Daniel, well...it appears he operates outside the balance. And no, he's not clairvoyant.

Edna May » ...I'm not? .....does that mean Daniel isn't either?

Judeparish » ...and your not clairvoyant dear.

Edna May » Yes I am...the little twit. He's dressing like a wolf and skulking in the cemetary. I'm glad you're not dead, JudeP...we've lost too many lately.

Judeparish » I'm afraid I just returned Edna, though I have heard thru sources you're trying to hunt down Heiny.

Edna May » *listens to crickets*   Good lord! Have you crossed over too??!? People are dropping like flies around here!

Edna May » JudeP!!   *dumps Isabella on the ground*   Where have you been?! Daniel and I are going on steakout at the cemetary tonight...want to come? Did you know I'm clairvoyant?

Judeparish » So you became One With All Things and the One spit you back out...sounds like me eating Suki's cooking.

Ashen » I think you like your gloves more than you'll admit...even to yourself, perhaps.

Judeparish » The gloves are part of the work kit, by the way...not a fashion statement. But that's all I'll tell you now.

Ashen » *regretful sigh*   Well, let me know if you ever change your mind...But no! I am too pure, and on too high a level of existence to think of such things now. I passed through fire...and water...and became one with The Force.

Judeparish » *repeats*   The tags reset before I read that far. Let me introduce myself. I'm Jude Parish, fairly new resident and not closet fairy. The Russian would not be pleased if she thought I'd gone over.

Ashen » .....and you are WAY to obsessed with your wardrobe. We may have another closet fairy in our midst...I came back. I said that already.   *twitch*

Judeparish » Ashen, are you speaking to me?!? I didn't know you well, so I was surprised when people told me you were dead...what's happened?

Ashen » Can you hear me, beetch? I'M NOT DEAD! I came back, like Gandalf—learn to read the tags!   *points staff, sets fire to shrubbery*

Judeparish » *sighs*   Ah well, I'll find out another day.
*eyes the sack*   I've got to get that stuff back to my apartment.   *lifts the rucksack with no apparent effort and continues down the street, black gloves barely creasing around the straps*

Ashen » Can you hear me, beetch? I'M NOT DEAD!

Judeparish » *overhears part of the conversation while walking cross-town to his apartment. Drops his apparently new rucksack on the ground with a THUD*   Edna...you might not be clairvoyant. Ashen may just be a spirit strong enough to show herself in the mortal world. It's not all that unusual, particularly if she died in an area with powerful esoteric energies flowing thru it; and from what I've seen, this town's lousy with that stuff...it pisses out of the place like a drunk against a wall. Pardon the vulgarity, but clairvoyance is not to be trifled with so I was a little shaken when I heard you try to tell Daniel that. I hope he doesn't use it as an excuse to go on another bender...what's with him trying to blame Enzo anyway?

Edna May » *exits...voice fade out*

Edna May » *hears dogs baying in the background*
...hurry, dear. I think the sanitarium staff may be looking for you...or Daniel.   *hoists Izzie's onto her shoulders* ...Oof!   *gives her a cat to keep her occupied* ...did you know I'm clairvoyant? I can hear the dead. So's Daniel.....

Edna May » Isabella!! You look awful, dear!   *removes ragged filet mignon and flings it into the brush*   You'd better come with me, sweetie. We'll go to my place and wait for Lexie and Vinnie. We'll get you into the hot tub and feeling chipper in no time, love.   *takes a careful look at Izzie*   ...well, at least you'll smell better.

Isabella » *comes to...finds herself in the gutter in front of Suki's, a piece of rotting meat on her chest. She's wearing a hospital gown and paper slippers. Her sraightjacket has been untied, the arms trail at her side. She sings*   Feelings, wo-o-o feelings...

Edna May » *runs off to find Lexie and retrieve Isabella*

Edna May » Daniel? You heard her too?? Wow! We're BOTH CLAIRVOYANT!! I mean, what're the odds!

Caiaphas » I didn't ignore you, Ashen! I tried to kill you! I mean, Enzo. Enzo tried to kill you! I wasn't even there! I wouldn't set fire to a fly! I've never even seen a fire... *wanders off, muttering*

Edna May » *voice fade out*

Edna May » ...my god, I'm clairvoyant!!!   *runs out of the duplex, yelling*   Lexie! LEXIE!!! I can speak with the dead!!! Ashen contacted me from beyond and boy is she pissed!!! The dark side must really be the pits! Oh, yeah... I know where Isabella is! Lexie!!! LEXXXIEEEE...

Edna May » *opens eyes, listens intently* ...Ashen?

Ashen » Except Dink.   *waves*   Hi, muffin! But the rest of you...In punishment, I won't divulge who Ari is.   *townwide smack with rolled-up newspaper*   BAD! BAD!!!

Ashen » *blinks*   You bastards — I not only came back from the dead, but made a grand fashion statement as well, and all you can do (DANIEL) is gibber, (EDNA) consume felines, or (ET AL) ignore me. Gr!

Edna May » Tonight then.   *kisses Daniel on the cheek, and returns to meditation*   Aummmmm Aummmmm

Caiaphas » Night, Edna. See you at midnight.

Edna May » *leads Daniel to the door, stuffs another cat in his trousers* ...that's a good boy.

Caiaphas » Ok, I'll get some rest now.   *mutters*   But I won't! I'm going to go burn something down while you sleep! hahaha!

Edna May » Daniel? Leave the cat and go get some rest, love. We need to be sharp and alert tonight. Heiny's little but wiry.

Caiaphas » I don't think even Enzo deserves sloppy seconds.

Edna May » *eyes soiled cat, sighs* ...yes, but you could still use it on Enzo.

Caiaphas » I was supposed to eat him? Well, I can't eat him now...he's been soiled.

Edna May » Drop it now!! You mustn't play with your food...ohhhhh.... that's not right... *averts eyes*


Edna May » *opens an eye* ...?? Daniel?? What are you doing to that cat?!!

Edna May » Of course, sweetie.   *moves into lotus position, closes eyes and begins to chant*   Aummmm Aummmm

Caiaphas » *looks at one of the cats suggestively*   Perhaps in a few minutes, Edna. I'll catch up.

Edna May » That's nice, dear. I need to meditate...I seem to have misplaced my center. And you look like you could use a good lie down, love.

Caiaphas » Hooray! I want to paint "MURDERER" on the wall outside his bars in cat blood!

Edna May » *hands him three* ...have at it, sweetie
*smiles dreamily*

Caiaphas » Yes, please. I'd like to throw it at Enzo's cell.

Edna May » Of course not, dear. Do you want another cat, for the road?

Caiaphas » Yes, Isabella. I assure you she's not in the gutter next to Suki's. And if she is, I didn't put her there.
*mutters*   Yes you did!

Edna May » *drains hot tub* ...Daniel, don't make me smack you. We need to be rested for tonight. And I have
to find Isabella.

Caiaphas » *begins fighting with himself a la Fight Club*

Edna May » *hands him a cat* ...here, sweetie...it might help.

Caiaphas » Oh, Good. I was worried.   *mutters*   See? I told you I wasn't Enzo. She's Lying! I like her, she wouldn't lie to me! She eats cats! So do you! I'll kill you! Not if I kill you first!

Edna May » No love, you're you. But you are looking a little pale...have you been eating properly?

Caiaphas » Yes, fine. I'm not Enzo, am I?

Edna May » *looks at red water in hot tub* ...my beaver made a real mess. Daniel? Are you alright, dear?

Caiaphas » Yes, yes...must get things right after all these terrible murders and fires.   *mutters*   Yes, and I didn't do it. Of course you did! No, I didn't. It was Enzo! You're Enzo! No, I'm not! Enzo is Enzo!

Edna May » You're on, dear...tonight we rumble.   *hawks up an angora hairball, pockets it for knitting later*

Caiaphas » Excellent! I'll see you around midnight with my steakout kit and Celine Dion trussed up like a Christmas turkey.

Edna May » Not at all, dear. She and Barbra Streisand are the undead...I read that somewhere. Heaven knows, someone needs to clean up Marysville!

Caiaphas » ...do you mind if we kill Celine Dion?

Edna May » Excellent! You get your kit together and we'll meet outside the cemetary at the stroke of midnight! Heiny's going down.

Caiaphas » Of course! We'll have to take some goats...
and perhaps a crack pipe...some steel wool...a bit of string...Celine Dion...

Edna May » Of course, sweetie...Enzo would do that. He left Izzie all alone and miserable...the rotter.

Caiaphas » Yes, but I didn't steak her. I don't steak people ...only Enzo does. Well, Enzo and Ralph Nader.

Edna May » Would you like to accompany me tonight on my steakout in the cemetary? I'm trying to catch Heiny, the twit. I know it's him in the dog suit. And I think he drugged one of the cats I ate...had a terrible hangover afterwards.

Edna May » *nods*   Thank you, Daniel...you're a dear, dear boy.

Caiaphas » Well, we were doing an episode of Silver Spoons...which leads me to believe that Isabella is really Ricky Schroeder...and if I was Ricky Schroeder...I'd be lying in a gutter somewhere. Probably nursing a bottle and wondering what had happened to my career.

Edna May » Of course you did, dear.

Caiaphas » I saw Todd Bridges and Marlon Brando last night, though. And they did look a little like Isabella.

Edna May » Daniel? Alright dear. You weren't there...but if you were, hypothetically, where would you have left Izzie, love?

Caiaphas » No! I was nowhere near the sanitarium! And I wasn't wearing a red dress!

Edna May » I heard Vinnie is out looking for her... *drips red dye on hardwood floor*

Caiaphas » *mutters*   I'd kill everyone, but I won't steak you, Edna. Oh no, not you. Edna understands, Edna ALWAYS understands. Got to go to the jail and kill Enzo. Must...kill...Enzo...

Edna May » Daniel, sweetie...before you go, did you try to break Isabella out of the sanitarium last night without Lexie and me?

Caiaphas » Certainly.

Edna May » No, no steak marks. Yes, I'm certain it was Enzo, the rotter. Can you help me out of this muck, dear?

Caiaphas » Proving once and for all that I didn't do it.
*mutters*   kill, kill, KILL!

Edna May » I was laughing at Enzo, love...not you. No, no, I'm not steaked...wait. Let me check.

Caiaphas » Oh yes...he's the one behind all the mysterious steakings and arsons!

Edna May » *breaks into riotous laughter...stifles it*   Really dear...

Caiaphas » I don't know! I thought you'd been steaked.

Edna May » Enzo? Yes, it would be like him to do that... what's all this red?! Enzo's been arrested???   *tries to smother a smile*

Caiaphas » I didn't do it! It was Enzo! The sheriff picked him up earlier....he was covered in varkling hearts and had steaks in his hands!

Edna May » *looks at dead beaver floating in red water*

Caiaphas » Because...after all, he is the killer. and the arsonist! *mutters*   Not me...no, not me, I'm not the killer...definitely Enzo...oh yes, enzo enzo enzo...

Edna May » *jumps*   Daniel! Steaked me? Why would he do that, dear? Why are you all red? What have you done now, dear???

Caiaphas » Edna!??! You're ALIVE! I thought Enzo had steaked you!

Edna May » *snort, splash, hawk*   Daniel?? Daniel, you dear boy...what are you doing here?

Caiaphas » Wait a minute...Enzo is in jail...so that means... *looks at himself, realizes his clothes are stained red* But...I couldn't have...it was Enzo...ENZO... *gasps*

Caiaphas » *runs up to the hot tub*   EDNA!! You're bleeding!   *jumps in*   Enzo got you too! No! NOOOO!

Heiny Fouquette » *a misshapen wolf resembling a midget in a dogsuit sniggers in the shadows, approaches the hot tub, drops in a bottle of red dye #8, and exits*

Edna May » snort.... *awakes in her hot tub to the sound of sirens...a floating beaver registers for a split-second before she falls into a deep sleep*

Vinnie A » *runs from sanitarium, flattening an old woman in a walker*   Izzie!! Hang on, babe. I'm coming!   *sniffs air for Izzie's pungent, eye-watering scent, follows it into the haze*

Vinnie A » *has horrible vision of Daniel trying to spring Izzie by himself*   Noooooo! Daniel! We were supposed to meet, don costumes, rehearse!!!

Vinnie A » *plays a stirring rendition of Debussy's Reverie before he realizes Izzie is missing*   WTF?   *checks under bed, in the head, the hall*   Izzie, babe???

Vinnie A » *stops by sanitarium to sing with Izzie, flute, sheet music and clef notes in hand*

Caiaphas » *strolls away, singing showtunes at the top of his lungs*

Sheriff Shankweiller » *leaves in a flurry of lights, sirens and dust, with Enzo in tow*

Sheriff Shankweiller » *arrives, flashing lights and siren screeching, sees carnage*   Enzo Siebel, you're under arrest. Anything you say may and will be used against you in a court of law...yada yada. Cuff him, Dano!

Caiaphas » *finds a hiding spot with a good view and waits, chuckling madly*

Caiaphas » *calls Sheriff Shankweiller with an anonymous tip from a payphone*

Caiaphas » *plants numerous steaks in Enzo's hands; stuffs matchbooks in all of his pockets; scatters fresh varkling hearts around his body*

Enzo » Ashen!!!!?!??!!!! Alive!!??????   *feels his chest contract and faints dead on the spot

Farley McNab » What do you mean she's NOT DEAD?!
.....................EDNA MAY HURLEY!!!!! Your ass is Mine!!!

Caiaphas » You have an accent! You're a vampire! An umpire! A baseball-playing bloodsucker! Mother? Mother? Have you seen my blankie? rm-rf/bin/Ashen   *swings his steaks in a wide arc*

Caiaphas » Ashen? Not dead? How can we have a funeral if you're not dead? ALL THIS PREPARATION FOR NOTHING!?!?!?   *grabs two choice cuts of meat and advances on her*

Ashen » Now, I must sojourn within my home blog; feel free to seek my counsel there. Be strong, my companions; there is a Great 3vil stirring. I feel it in the air...

Ashen » *blinks, stops glowing*   Jesus, Mary and Joseph (Stalin)—I'm dead! What, two days, and every guy in Marysville is after my ass! Why not before? The Force will help me to let go. And I have reached a new level of patheticism, in that not even the Archives date back to my last visit. With cosmic wisdom I tried to perceive these events, but some things are hidden even from me.

Ashen » Such anger...he could never be one with The Force.   *gestures benignly*   Hi, y'all. Behold, I am Ashen the Grey no more; I am now Ashen the White. I passed through fire, and water, and Sociology 100, gods be praised...and I smote Mr. Kikuchi's evil upon the mountainside. I passed through time and space, and learned a great many things. Like how to do square roots. But yes; I was brought into the Light, and learned of The Force. But my tasks were not yet complete, and I was sent back. I am here now to help you to the Truth.

5.07.05 . . .

Caiaphas » Dancing?!? MAMBO!   *puts on a tight red dress and some falsies*   I'm ready to KILL! Er...party!
*fastens steaks all over the dress with safety pins*   These heels are killing me! We have to hurry...I have a date with a building full of people. I mean, vampires. Vampire buildings! Lloyd and Todd Bridges! Marlon Brando! Marion Berry! Would you could you with a goat? GENERAL LEMARQUE IS DEAD! Red! The blood of angry men! Black! The dark of ages past! Red! A world about to dawn! Black! The night that ends at last! TO GRIZABELLA! THE GLAMOUR CAT! FALAFEL!

. . . . .

Edna May » *voices fade*

Edna May » It would be nice if JudeP could help...he's very organized, but I think he's out of town; someth...

Lexie » Edna May, leave the pussy alone. That is so disgusting. If you hawk up a hairball as Hermano, we're dead in the water. Okay. Let's go.

Edna May » That's perfect, Lexie... let's go now, shall we?

Lexie » *tries again*   Daniel and Vinnie:  Meet us at Edna's . Be prepared for a command performance at the Sanitarium. Madrid's Fabulous Flamenco Troupe, the Blazing Heeled Juantanmero family. We're gonna spring Izzie. Meet us at Edna's as soon as you get this." —Lex and Ed

Edna May » *hawks up tabby hairball*

Edna May » *cat squeal*

Edna May » Try again, dear... I'm going to lie down over here by the cat.   *listens to the echo*

Lexie » Well, yes, I am, but then I had to answer you and it disappeared. Well, look it came back, but it's nonsensical. Yes, I'll try again.

Lexie » *writes*   Vinnie and Daniel, Bet for for an appearance of Madrid's Fabulous Flamenco Troupe, the Blazing Heeled

Edna May » ...this taglag is deadly. Are you writing it, dear?

Edna May » You write it dear...I'm too pale. Need a lie down before the midnight steakout.

Lexie » Your tub, it is, then. You want to write the note? Or shall we compose it together?

Edna May » Millicent! She probably dug it up and left it in the hot tub with me! That woman is the essence of evil!

Lexie » An undead beaver. Huh. Sounds like Millicent. Does it have a pickle up its butt?

Edna May » I think so. Yes...I could use a dip in the tub. And some sangria.

Lexie » Well, let's leave them a note at the hot tub. Shall we wait at your place?

Edna May » No, love...just a dead beaver. It came back... after I buried it. I think it's one of the undead.

Lexie » What are you scratching, Edna May? Do you have crabs? Or fleas?

Edna May » Not really, dear...let's post a notice on the pubic hot tub for them to meet us somewhere. Just a moment, dear. I need to scratch something.

Lexie » You've been eating cats, Edna May?

Edna May » Good lord, I'm trembling...

Lexie » Well, I guess we'll just have to wait until they show up. Do you know where they live? My apartment's burnt down, as you know. I've had to move into the Tarantula Arms Hotel downtown.

Edna May » Oh, Lexie...you know I can eat it...  *can't! Can't!

Lexie » Edna, you HAVE a pussy.

Edna May » When, dear? we need to get together with Vinnie and Daniel...

Lexie » Hermano it is! Got your beard? I'll play Jorge. Get your boots, Edna, we're stomping down the doors! It'll be our own Bastille!

Edna May » Now, we'll have to track down Daniel...not an easy task, I'm afraid. Oh YES! I've been working on my flamenco while steaking out the graveyard!   *blinks*   Would you have a cat on you, dear?

Lexie » We could storm the place with a fabulous flamenco number!

Edna May » Hermano's the one with the flaming red beard, isn't he! Yes...I'll be him. Geraldo? No, I don't like Rivera... he's a wanker, dear. And he's got no ass.

Lexie » Jesus? Manuel? Jorge? Geraldo?

Edna May » Hermano? ...let me think a moment, dear.

Lexie » Well, maybe we could all go together—play different family members, yes? Who do you want to be? Her brother Hermano? Daniel could be her Aunt Constanza. Or her grandmother. I could be her father...

Edna May » Yes! You see! I AM pale!

Lexie » You actually ARE a bit more pale than ususal...

Edna May » Alright dear...what do you want Daniel and me to do?

Lexie » Sorry, but I thought you could use a little color in your cheeks.

Edna May » damn

Lexie » Yes, Edna   *slaps her*   Listen carefully...Vinnie poses as her mother, goes to the sanitarium and gets her out.

Edna May » Yes dear...just don't slap me again.

Lexie » I mean, we might as well do this creatively, don't you think?

Edna May » I tho't we were going to get Isabella out of the loony bin...

Lexie » I'd love to costume him. I think playing Isabella's mother would be a nice challenge for him, don't you?

Edna May » Whose mother, dear?

Lexie »I know! Maybe Vinnie could pose as her mother...and simply ask for her to be released to him.

Edna May » No...I suppose not. But there was a strapping young man in the holding tank my last time round. I think his name was Lester...lovely boy.

Lexie » NO BULLETS! We don't want to get arrested do we?

Edna May » What's our plan, then?

Lexie » Sorry, Edna. My body's still a little out of step with my mind—trepanation, you know.

Edna May » Owww... I'm gripping...I'm gripping!

Lexie » *slaps Edna*   Snap out of it! Get a grip!

Edna May » Vinnie! Yes...we could use a man with a gun. But no bullets, dear? Are you sure?

Edna May » Crickets? Inner thoughts? Lexie, I'd worry about you except I'm too worried about Daniel, and Isabella, and the Baron, and

Lexie » Where's Vinnie? Maybe he can help us. He's got a gun, yes? I mean, we wouldn't want ot use any bullets, but it would at least look threatening.

Edna May » We need to get the men, dear...maybe Daniel can help.

Lexie » Yes, a new piece about the mutating crickets of Marysville—they're so loud these days, they must be huge. Have you read my inner thoughts of a few moments ago?

Edna May » No dear...I'm too pale to put together a plan. Can't you do that?

Lexie » Stop grinding your teeth and lets' get Isabella—do we have a plan?

Edna May » Sorry dear...I didn't see you. A new piece?

Lexie » Okay. I'm there! How do we do it? How do you think I'd look in a cricket costume? I've been inspired to do a new piece—after PLS, of course.

Edna May » Lexie! It's about time! We've got to get Isabella out of the slammer...sanitarium.   *grinds teeth* ...Lexie Goodbody!

Lexie » Edna May!

Lexie » *exits*   Or maybe I'll return to the stage and play the cricket myself! Maybe I'm ready to trod the boards again! Maybe I'm past that unfortunate episode with the water buffalo...

Edna May » Lexie!!

Lexie » Damn! The crickets in Marysville must be huge. I wonder if they're mutating?   *gets an idea for a new Feral Feet production. Envisions Edna May in a a slinky cricket costume, antenna quivering...legs rubbing together, producing a ear-splitting chirp...*   WOW! I've gotta go write this one down.

Lexie » Edna May? Vinnie?

Vinnie A » *leaves to oil gun collection, sings Breakout by the Foo Fighters*   Well look who's going crazy now, We're face to face my friend. Better get out, Better get out..........

Vinnie A » Okay look, I agree. We need to break Izzie out. I'm packing and I'm motivated. Izzie and I should dance together in PLS, and we can't do it while she's drooling in lockdown. Let's meet to make a plan. See if we can get Lex involved. And maybe Ivar. Daniel could act as a diversion. Course if they catch him.......... let me know when, and we'll talk by the hottub.

Vinnie A » *hears edna on his way to the sanitarium*   Edna, how you been girl?   *crickets*   Edna? Did you get my eulogy for Ashen?   *taps foot, fidgets*   Edna? oh Edna.......

Edna May » Lexie...if you're around, we have to get Isabella out of the Sanitarium. It's driving her nuts...more nuts. All this singing is making me menopausal!

Isabella » *touches her downy moustache, remembers, vaguely, the hint of a kiss recently planted there, sings*   Eet's fun to stay at zee Y.M.C.A.

Isabella » Preence? Dopey? Pushy? Boobie? Veenie? Veenie??? Veenieeeee!!!!!!!

Isabella » *alone in her padded cell, hallucinates—visions of the nice chimney sweep...or was he her prince...or were there 7 and were they dwarves?—and spins*

. . . . .

Edna May » *fade to white*

Edna May » *exits singing mournfully*
To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay.
Looking forward to, and who wouldn’t do,
The role I was about to play.
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around,
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces.
Leaving me to doubt,
all about God and His mercy,
Oh, if He really does exist,
Why did He desert me?
And in my hour of need, I truly am, indeed,
Alone again, unnaturally.
Edna May » Another night alone in the cemetary... *sigh*   Buck up, Edna...you can do this alone! He's a bloody circus midget! You can take him! ...frap... *exits to search for Lexie*

Edna May » Daniel! Come back!!!!   *grinds teeth*
...that boy is going to be the death of me...

Edna May » I'll provide the filet mignon...and sangria. Daniel?

Caiaphas » Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but the lag is too great...and I must continue dancing insanely down the street. ADIOS!

Edna May » Gently, dear...I'm so jumpy. Before you disappear again, I wonder, dear...would you care to accompany me on my nightly steakout tonight?

Caiaphas » Taglag is killing me!

Edna May » *jumps* ...Daniel?

Caiaphas » Oh, the lag! The LAG! Damn you, Blogdrive! DAMN YOU!

Edna May » *listens to crickets* ...Daniel?   *sigh...gone again!*

Edna May » Daniel! That was a lovely euology, dear...
I got quite teary-eyed...

Caiaphas » yep.

Edna May » Daniel?   *sigh...that boy disappears far too fast for my comfort level*

Caiaphas » *mutters*   I think I need more matches...

Caiaphas » *wanders off to price large cuts of filet mignon**

Caiaphas » **begin eulogy**   Oh Ashen, I hardly knew ye. Actually, I knew ye not at all. I'm very pleased that it was not me that steaked you and set you on fire. It must have been Enzo. Yes, definitely Enzo. So, in conclusion...although I didn't know you at all, I mourn for you...and hope someone catches Enzo quickly before I start any more fires. I mean, he starts any more fires. Hail the almighty Sam Walton, and I will make a pilgrimage to the great temple in Bentonville, Arkansas in your honor. Goodbye, Ashen.
Hail Wal-Mart.   **end eulogy**

Edna May » *exits stage right to make last minute arrangements*

Edna May » Forgive me, Vinnie...I'm so pale, I misspoke myself. Of course Ashen's memorial service is today, so the sooner you could let us know, the better, dear.

Edna May » Vinnie dear...if you're around, we're looking for people to give short testiesmonials for Ashen tomorrow at Our Lady of Unspecific Sorrows. Do say you will...you can send it via the contact form below.

. . . . .

Edna May » *climbs out of hot tub, dragging the badger behind her...hawks up a hairball ...exits looking for Lexie* ...Lexxxieeeee...

Edna May » *thinks she hears Viking song, assumes its the voices again urging her to shop at Wal-Mart*

Edna May » *wakes in the communal hot tub, dressed in gauzey floaty thing...a familiar dead badger floats beside her* ...wtf?! I buried you!!

Kjellfrid » *watches the Eytie vanish in the mist, imagines polishing his horns*

Sven » Cum Kjellfrid! Vee go vind Ivaaar! Vee don vaste time mit de Eytie, ya sewer. Ee sings like a breast-fed foober, all vhinnie and veepy!

Sven » *scowls*   Foreigners, pah!

Vinnie A » I mock you not, but your outfits do rawk. I'd love to stay and sing with you, but the Sanitarium calls and my Izzie awaits. Catch you on the flip, eh?

Sven » *to Kjellfrid*   I tink ees mockin ous, ya sewer, I duu!

Sven » *glares*   Joos vaht doo yuu tink yoor doin dere, yuu svartzman, yuu?!!!

Vinnie A » *sees two Wagnerian rejects on his way to the Sanitarium, stops to sing with them*   Aaaah eeeeoooh, Aaah eeeeooh, Aaah eee eee oh ummm nummer aye umm aaah ohhh!!!!

Sven & Kjellfrid » *sing together, striking fierce poses*   Aaaah eeeeoooh, Aaah eeeeooh, Aaah eee eee oh ummm nummer aye umm aaah ohhh!!!!

Kjellfrid » *breaks into ear-splitting Viking song*

Sven » Kjellfrid? Dat vuss Ivaaar! Ya sewer it vuss!!!
*swings toward the faint voice* Hes alife!!

Ivar » Hey der Utegirl! Vat de 'ell eis a Ute? I tink I know vat a girl eis...Please layt me know, Tanks! Ya vell, maybe yuu con give Easybella a ride ein yuur Fordabella. Ya, I know, vat afella!.

Ivar » Easybella! Con yuu hair me? I tot ve vere wary guud togayter ven ve vaxed yuur uupper lip twogayter. Buut now, you just keep uup wit de filming-signin', vat am I two duu?

Utegirl » Hellllooooo!!!! I's a figment of your imagination
...so this tag may or may not appear! 'Cos I'm having trouble here with my damn browser...

Isabella » *drools, sings*   Jooust a spoonful of sucre helps zee medeecin go down, medeecin go down, mededcin go down... *dances in her straight jacket, spins in her padded cell, runs into a wall, passes out, snores, drools*

Ivar » ??? Oh vell, I tot dey vere right hear, buut I must be imagining tings again.

Ivar » KJELLFRID!!! SVEN!!! I deedn't know dat youu vere coemin' o'er to de nuw country, buut I'ma glad yuu are hare nouw, ya sewer, ya betcha! Tell me 'bout yer voyage, how you got here, und vere yuu are stayin'?

5.06.05 . . .

Sven & Kjellfrid » *exit into the night mist, battle axes swinging*

Sven » Stay close, Kjellfrid. Ve vill find him, ya sewer ve vill, oor sum 'eads vill rolll tonight!

Sven & Kjellfrid » Ivaaar!!!! Vere are yuu!

Kjellfrid » Show yerselv Ivaaar! 'Tis me, yoor sistoor, Kjellfrid! Ve cum all da vay froom de fiordland to make
shur yoor vell und unharrrm'd!

Sven » Ya, Kjellfrid und I, vee be heer tou see hour brudder, Ivaaar. Ivvaaar, mon! Cum oot heer now!

Dink B » *shadows the screaming midget in the wolf suit while he practices ashen's eulogy*   We're here to say good bye to Ashen. She was weird, but weird in a cool way. And she was hot......

Edna May » *disembodied snigger* ...let loose the hounds of war! Ahahahahaha! Bite that, dog boy...

Heiny Fouquette » *a bloodcurdling howl splits the evening air...followed by a yelp, and the baying of 16 neighborhood dogs in hot pursuit*

Edna May » *disembodied voice is heard* ....Daniel?
.....oh Dannnniellll...   *cough...hawk* ....daaannieeellll...

Edna May » *Awakes at dusk. Dresses in floaty, gauzey thing, leaves looking for Daniel...is distracted by a tabby, gives chase, is swallowed in evening fog*

Vinnie A » *listens to crickets...realizes he's talking to himself again—exits*

Vinnie A » I hear you may be dancing with Esther in PLS

Enzo » Ah well...I guess I'll have to say a final farewell to Ashen & her ass.

Vinnie A » Hey Enzo. Yeah, it's a pisser.

Enzo » *walks in dressed in black chinos and a black button down shirt* I can't believe Ashen is dead...I had so many plans that included her

Vinnie A » *kisses Izzie's downy moustache and tiptoes out*

Vinnie A » *sits beside Izzie, and sings in falsetto hamony*
Chim chiminey, Chim chiminey,
Chim chim cher-ee!
A dago is lucky, As lucky can be
Chim chiminey, Chim chiminey,
Chim chim cher-oo!
Good luck will rub off
When I make it with youuuu
Or blow me again
And that would work toooooo
Edna May » *staggers in from an all night steakout at the cemetary...coughs up a pseudo-wolf hairball...falls into bed and into a deep sleep*

Utegirl » OH,NOOOOOOO... *sob* ...neva! I believe in reincarnation tho. Perhaps,just maybe Ashen will come back..as say, oh I dunno...her donkey's new mate?!

Johannes » Boo Fey? Prince? The other names sound oddly familiar...must be musicians! What does it mean when she says she is in zee toe? Must be some type of latin dance.

Ivar » Easay! Eits only me und Johannes out here. Haf yuu heard 'bout pour Ashen? Dey say she'sa on er vay to Valhalla! Vitout er ass! Ester!

Isabella » Sleepy? Dopey? Groompy? Doc? Sneezy? Sleazy? Queasy? Enzito???? Que? who ees Enzito? Mi prints?   *drools*   Boofie?

Isabella » *hears forest creatures calling her*   Or maybe eet ees zee dwarves coming home?

Ivar » Eits okay Johanny. Dey're alrady disturbed...

Johannes » Not so loud! You'll disturb the people in there.

Ivar » Ya sewer, I'm shure, eits her. ESABELDA! EITS IVAR! CAN YUU HEAR ME?

Johannes » Are you sure?

Ivar » Halow Isabella!   *shouts up to the Sanitarium's barred window*   I can tell dat eas yuu uup dere sigin',
ya sewer.

Ivar » Vell, okay dere Johanny, so maybe I'll bring Esther over sometime to see your donkeys.

Johannes » Sorry Ivar. I was thinking how lonely Esther would be without Ashen, and how she might really get along with my donkeys.

Ivar » Aey, Johannes, deedn't you notice dat der Vinster has said dat I can take care of Esteer? Butt out!

Isabella » ...wheestle while ju work...

Isabella » IIIIIEEEEEE! Zee "I" has dees appeared from mi name!

sabella » *sings*   Zomeday mi prints weel come... *imagines herself in the forest, lttle birds landing on her finger as she sings to them*

Johannes » I'm so sorry about Ashen, and her donkey, Esther. I'd like to offer to take care of Esther; I think she would get along with my wild ass, and my other donkey, Hoe Tay.

Ivar » Vie does eit seem dat everyone is so interested in Ashen's ass, Estoer? If Ashen can't vatch er own ass anymore den I tink I should.

Lexie » Well, I must say, she's really left me in the lurch as far as PLS goes.   *sigh*   ART can be very trying at times. Dink, would you like to take over for her? I mean Ashen, of course. Not Esther. Although Esther's uncredited appearance in Abducted! was one for the books. Perhaps Esther could take over for Ashen, if Esther's around...which means, of course, that Enzo would be partnered with Esther. Hmmm....interesting...

5.05.05 . . .

Edna May » *leaves to stake out the graveyard for the night*   I'm ready for you, dog boy...let's dance.

Edna May » *snaps awake*   Enzo! You've come back to us! Enzo?? *it's just the voices again* ...bummer

Enzo » Ashen is Dead?   *tears stream down his face as he heads back to his home blog*

Edna May » Yes, it does, dear. A big one.

Dink B » 'kay. i'll be there. but then i'm gonna join a monastary. this really sucks.

Edna May » I think she'd want you to wear whatever feels right, sweetie...knowing her, she'd probably love to see you in neon pink and fishnet hose. But no, dear...wear whatever you'd like.

Dink B » okay. yeah i'll do it. should i wear black?

Edna May » It looks that way, sweetie...I'm so sorry. We loved her too.

Dink B » is she really dead?

Edna May » Dink, dear...don't flinch, love. I promise not to cuff you. Would you like to lead the funeral procession to the waterfront? I've conferred with several of the others, and that feels right to us. Let us know, dear.

Vinnie A » That's cool, Ivar. Didn't catch your offer there. Ashen'd like that. If you need some help with Esther, lemme know.

Vinnie A » Man that bites. Rest in peace, Ash. If Esther made it through the blast, I'll take care of her for you.

judeparish » I send my regrets as well, though I knew her not. It would be unfitting for me to go to the church with that consideration.

Ivar » Uuffda! How cuud dis have happen'd? I know she (we) weren't de brightest crayons in de box, but I deedn't tink she vould self-destruct! I'll take care of Esther if da poor ting eas 'till alive...

Faramir Naboukov » Oh, that's just dandy!   *head toss*   We finally unearth our perfect third dancer and she kicks it. I cannot take this Drama...my head is splitting now.
*exits looking for Desmond*   Desmond? Desmond! Darling, where Are you!

Dink B » my life is over

Edna May » *retreats into mourning*

Edna May » Daniel??? That boy disappears faster than a fart in a windstorm.

Edna May » No, dear Daniel...you didn't. Apparently her head exploded during finals week. Very messy. Very sad. We'll be holding a memorial service for her, followed by a street party (complete with circus acts). If you'd like, you can carry her pseudo-ashes during the procession to the Puget Sound waterfront for scattering on the wind. If Esther's ashes are included (we're not sure if she's passed as well), the jar will be heavier, but I'm sure you can manager, sweetie.

Caiaphas » Ashen is dead? I didn't do it! It was Enzo! ENZO!   *runs off gibbering madly and drooling all over the place*

Edna May » *throws a handful of dirt on the grave, exits stage left*

Edna May » *makes mental note to ask Dr. Meesham about blackouts...buries beaver in backyard...offers a short eulogy*   Yes we slept together, but I didn't know him well. As beavers go, he was pretty good.

Edna May » *finds burnt beaver stuck to pot on stove top* ...??!

Edna May » *awakes feeling ashen...er, pale...feeling pale. don's black widow's dress with armband and begins plans for Ashen's memorial ceremony, weeping copiously*

Vinnie A » Zip it, dog boy, or you'll be walking on all fours permanently

Heiny Fouquette » *rolls eyes upward* ...what a crock

Vinnie A » *wipes a tear from his eye and exits quietly*

Vinnie A » *wipes drool from Izzie's mouth—croons*
Some day your prince will come
Some day we'll meet again
And away to my castle we'll go
To be happy forever I know
Some day when spring is here
We'll find our love anew
And the birds will sing
And wedding bells will ring
Some day when your dreams come true
Isabella » *dances around her cell in a straight jacket... drools and sleeps

Isabella » *back from electro-shock therapy, sings*
When jue a jet, jue a jet all zee way, from jue first cigarette, to jue last dying day...

5.04.05 . . .

Heiny Fouquette » *cackles...exits stage right dressed in balding wolf suit...disappears howling and loping on all fours into dusk*

Heiny Fouquette » *retrieves Edna's dead beaver from the public hot tub...creeps into her condo, places it in a pot of boiling water on the kitchen range*

Vinnie A » Izzie, my Latin love, I'm really, really hungry. My toes are curling, I'm so hungry.   *flashes on those gams, and makes a beeline for Suki's*

Vinnie A » *gets a gander at those fishnet stockings and whip. suddenly wants pancakes in a bad way* I have a dilemma—pancakes and Lexie, or Izzie and the sanitarium.   *thinks aloud*   pancakes...sanitarium.... pancakes...sanitarium...

Vinnie A » *is left standing in Lex's dust*   Damn she's fast.

Lexie » VROOOMMMMM.......

Edna May » We're outta here...gun it, Lex!

Lexie » Huh. As ususal—they ask for it, then run away when it's delivery time. Let's fo get some cakes, Edna.

Edna May » *whispers to Daniel*   I love it when she gets nasty. Meet me later at the hot tub...we'll figure out what to do next.

Caiaphas » Hmm...I have to run. Must go set fire to my in-laws. Er, I mean Enzo is going to set fire to my in-laws. I've never even seen a fire. I wouldn't know how to start one. Enzo! Enzo!

Lexie » OOPS—sorry, Daniel. I got your order wrong. But then, that would be your fault! I think you need a spanking.

Lexie » Okay, one hotcakes, one hot discipline: Suki's here we come   *gets back in Hummer*

Caiaphas » Shame. I suppose I'll take the pancakes, then.

Edna May » *grins at Daniel*   No, Lexie dear...pancakes here, or catcakes,if Suki has them.

Lexie » Daniel, dear, I provide only my own costume.

Caiaphas » Would you happen to have a rhino suit? Or maybe a llama suit? If you do, I'll take the discipline.

Edna May » Pancakes, dear...

Lexie » What's it gonna be? Pancakes or discipline?
*whip CRACK*   Or a healthy helping of both? Huh?
Cat got your tongues?

Caiaphas » I had no idea she was a dominatrix.

Edna May » *shakes head at Daniel* ...cool it! She's
on the war path!

Caiaphas » Oh, my.

Lexie » *slams on the brakes, gets out of car, takes off trench coat, revelas merry window, fishnet stockings, grabs a whip...SNAP!*   Okay, seems like we need some DISCIPLINE HERE!

Caiaphas » *whispers back*   Do you want me to steak her? Not, um...that I know how to do that sort of thing. I wouldn't set her on fire, either. Enzo would. Yeah, Enzo would.

Edna May » *makes mental note to check Daniel's neck when he's not looking*

Edna May » *whispers to Daniel* ...it's not a tattoo, and it's not a hickey...watch her carefully dear. We'll talk later.

Edna May » *peers closely* ...oh, silly me. It's a hickey.
*shakes her head at Daniel...no, it's not*

Lexie » *notices Edna's signal in the mirror*   What???? Edna, I've had that tattoo for years.

Edna May » ...not a thing. Nice tattoo.

Edna May » *eyes Daniel* ...no, dear...of course not.
*signals him for silence*

Lexie » *swings the Hummer around one more time*   We're right here, dear. Now, get in...and what's all this about my neck? See anything?   *patiently holds up hair while driving (fast) with one hand*

Caiaphas » Yes, might be a good idea. I'm sure she hasn't been steaked....well, relatively sure, since I'm obviously not the one doing all the killing around here.

Edna May » *awakes alone, in the street, left in the dust*   I'm sorry, dear...I seem to have dozed off...Hello??? Where is everyone???

Lexie » Oh hell, Daniel, we better go back and try to find her.

Lexie » Edna???

Lexie » Edna, have you fallen out of the car?

Caiaphas » I don't have my glasses on. Perhaps Edna sees something....?

Lexie » *sigh*   Didn't work.

Caiaphas » Maybe Isabella...

Lexie » *clicks her heels together*   There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home...

Caiaphas » Er....nothing! And I haven't been setting any fires, either. Must've been Enzo. Or Ivar.

Lexie » Daniel, what have you been killing?

Caiaphas » Oh. Good. Um....if the Baron isn't a vampire, why am I killing all these people? Er...varklings...

Lexie » *lifts her hair*   There! There's my neck! See anything??? Anybody see anything on my neck?

Lexie » Edna, you have a hickey on your neck. It's disgusting, but it's only a hickey. Daniel, there is nothing on your neck.

Lexie » *hits the brakes*   I heard that!

Caiaphas » You might want to check mine. I woke up post-valium and my neck was killing me. Of course, I could have just slept on it wrong.

Edna May » *whispers* ...at Suki's, I'll distract her while you check her neck, okay? Use finesse, dear...she's got a vicious right hook. Have I mentioned you have a lovely neck?

Caiaphas » Yes, quite the speed demon.

Edna May » *whispers to Daniel in the hummer*   She's hot on wheels, isn't she...

Lexie » VROOMMM! (I think)

Edna May » *fastens hers*

Caiaphas » Pancake-eating Lithium vampires!   *fastens his seatbelt*

Lexie » Pancakes? Catnip tea? Lithium? NO more talk of vampires, Edna. You'll get locked up for spouting that stuff. Everybody in the Hummer? Seatbelts fastened?

Caiaphas » Definitely. I hate typos.

Edna May » Hit it Lex...I'm starving!

Edna May » *whispers to Daniel*   psst...we can go to the bizarro Suzki's later, dear.

Caiaphas » *looks off in the distance* ...It doesn't look like it's on fire. Yes, definately Enzo.   *tosses matches aside when nobody is looking*

Edna May » Let's go then. There's that echo again.

Caiaphas » Sounds good. Let's go.

Lexie » I'll go to Suki's, if it's the right Suki's—not the bizarro Suki's. Edna May » Yes, Lexie...Daniel, come with us, dear.

Lexie » *vrooms back around*   Wanna come?

Edna May » ...she might have some catcakes, or make some on special order. And, yes...it was probably Enzo.

Caiaphas » Certainly. I don't believe I've burned that place down yet. Er...I mean....arson? Who's doing that? Must be Enzo.

Edna May » Again..... Daniel...up for Suki's, dear?

Caiaphas » I believe we've been left.

Edna May » Lexie????

Caiaphas » Catcakes?

Edna May » I want pancakes...and a cat.

Caiaphas » I haven't been in a Safeway in years.

Lexie » Okay, I think I may need to go back into meditation. I think I got off at the wrong stop from the astral plane.
*her hummer veers off into the 4th dimension*   VRROOOMMMM

Edna May » ...the voices are calling again. Can we go to Safeway?

Caiaphas » Ok, but if he comes back to life and overruns Marysville with a legion of vampire felines, it's your fault.

Lexie » Vampire cats? Has the town gone even more nuts than ususal?

Edna May » Daniel, don't steak the cat...filet mignon and cat blood don't go well together. I've no idea why not, but there you are.   *eyes the cat hungrily*

Caiaphas » You can never be sure with vampire cats, Lexie. Filet Mignon is the only proper way to kill a vampire.

Lexie » Danile, the cat is already dead. Why are you trying to feed it a steak?

Edna May » Perhaps we should go check...hmmm?

Caiaphas » *pulls a steak out of his pocket and advances on the cat menacingly*

Lexie » Whose neck? Mine? The cat's? I did notice a wound on the beaver's neck...

Edna May » *eyes Daniel* ...it may not be there anymore, dear.

Lexie » My apartement? I haven't been there in days—I've been on retreat. What's wrong with my apartment?

Caiaphas » Hey....that cat has an accented meow...
*eyes narrow*

Edna May » Daniel, check her neck...just in case.

Lexie » *deposits the cat in the hot tub with the beaver*

Caiaphas » Not anymore, it isn't.

Edna May » ...is your apartment full of vampires, Lexie???
*chews lip*

Caiaphas » I'm a lousy vampire hunter.

Edna May » Lexie, perhaps we should go check...

Caiaphas » Full of vampires, you know.

Lexie » *Snatches the cat away from Edna*   You don't want to make a stop at the Sanitarium, do you Edna?

Caiaphas » I don't know who owns the complex.

Edna May » Lexie's?

Caiaphas » Someone seems to have slaughtered the residents and set the entire place on fire.

Lexie » Vampires, again? Oh, come on! You've all been watching too much TV, or cruising the internet, or reading blogs or something.

Edna May » ...apartment, dear??

Caiaphas » About the apartment complex...

Edna May » *makes a sly move to retrieve the cat*

Caiaphas » Not a problem, Lexie.

Lexie » Sorry, Danile...that wasn't deliberate. These things happen you know.

Caiaphas » Yes, but the last batch you made me was a little heavy on the valium.

Edna May » Daniel? You'd better come with us, dear... you'd like pancakes, yes?

Caiaphas » Well, they were vampires....or maybe umpires.

Lexie » Alright, Edna. I'm getting pancakes. Daniel, either hop in the Hummer with us, or Edna, get out of the car. These dead animals smell bad.

Edna May » Lexie!!   *glares*

Lexie » *cat hits Daniel in the face*

Caiaphas » Howdy, Edna. Do you know who owns the apartment complex down the street there?

Lexie » *grabs the cat from Edna, throws it away*

Edna May » *refuses to give up the cat*   Hello Daniel

Caiaphas » I'm afraid so.

Lexie » *swing back around again*   Put the cat down, Edna May!

Edna May » *is left standing in Lexie's dust again, holding a limp cat*   Daniel!   *sees the hearts* ...oh, Daniel... again?

Caiaphas » I've gone and done it again...

Lexie » *VROOOOMMMMM......*   Marysville, eat my dust!
*and she's gone*

Caiaphas » *drops a fresh pile of hearts in the street*

Edna May » Yes, dear...I thought Isabella was yelling about umpires...it's a long story, dear.   *spots a tabby by the trash bin*   Can we stop just a moment, dear?

Lexie » *swings the Hummer around to pick up Edna*   Did you say vampire??? Oh puh-leasse!

Edna May » *is left standing in the dust, staring at her dead beaver*

Lexie » All right. Let's go....VROOM!!!

Edna May » ...the yakking, dear...and...well, Daniel's latest binge. I think there will be a piece on it shortly in the gazette.

Lexie » Hostile? The cleaning crew...why?

Edna May » I'm there, dear...

Lexie » Well, shall we to Suki's then? Hop in the Hummer.

Edna May » Yes...pancakes would do me good. No...leave the beaver, dear. The cleaning crew will find it eventually. Don't approach them, love...they've been a bit hostile lately.

Lexie » Well. Let's go have the tea and pancakes, and I'll tell you all about it. Meanwhile, perhaps we should contact someone to fish the dead beaver out of the hot tub? I think it might be germy. The beaver, not the pancakes.

Edna May » Of course, you said that, didn't you dear... forgive me. It's the voices again...distracting, you know. I suppose you could just post a notice...

Lexie » Yes Edna, I have. But everyone is gone, except you and a dead beaver.

Edna May » Casting, dear...casting! Have you selected yet? for PLS?

Edna May » *looks around* I don't know, dear...everything went quite wonky while you were gone. But no, dear... they're around...somewhere.

Lexie » Yes, I've decided on a cast, but everyone seems to have disappeared while I was meditating. Have I meditated them all away?

Edna May » Yes...he's quite attractive. I wonder if he taps. Have you settled on a cast yet for PLS?

Lexie » Oh dear, Edna, lithium and sangria do not mix. You know that. You've been warned. Besides, is there such a thing as good sangria? And, no, I haven't seen this man of whom you speak. But he sounds like someone who might need a fitting.

Edna May » Which reminds me! Have you seen another man...a strange one with black gloves?!? He gave me some bad sangria!

Lexie » I'm afraid I can't help you with the cat blood. Perhaps your meds need adjusting, sweetie. Catnip tea, pancakes and lithium, sounds like what the doctor ordered. Let's go fix you up.

Edna May » ...catnip tea?   *sniffs* ...maybe, laced with a little lithium.

Lexie » Yes, I think ass is appropriate, don't you?

Edna May » ...ass you call them, dear??? I don't know. I just seem to want it...that, and pancakes.

Lexie » Oh dear, I think you may have been infected by the Christian Right! Or the Christan Wrong, ass I call them. Why would you want cat blood? How about some catnip tea instead?

Edna May » Can I get cat blood at Costco?

Lexie » Oh no, Edna, not Safeway. Safeway is a red. Shop blue. Go to Costco.

Edna May » I can't quite tell, dear...I think they're telling me to Shop at Safeway.

Lexie » So, what are the voices telling you?

Edna May » Daniel and Isabella think I'm a vampire. I'm jumpy and pale. And I seem to want to drink the blood of cats.

Lexie » Sweet Edna, what's your definition of "right"?

Edna May » *nods...shakes herself off like a dog*   Things just haven't been right since my interview with the Baron, Lexie.

Lexie » What are you going on about? That's nothing new. You've always heard voices. In case you don't remember, Edna May, you're a frequent flyer at the Marysville Sanitarium.

Edna May » .............really? Are you sure?   *looks doubtful* ...what about the voices, then?

Lexie » Edna May, you're positively alabaster—you've always been.

Edna May » I'm a tragic remnant of my former vibrant self...and I hear voices, Lexie.

Lexie » Sorry, I'm a little out of sync—all the meditation I've been doing puts me in my own persnal time zone.

Edna May » ...i am not... I am pale...I'm positively white!!! Look at me! I'd be Ashen, except...well, I can't be, of course.

Lexie » Oh Edna, you're the original white woman. You've always been pale. You're blinding when you lie on the beach.

Edna May » Things have just gotten strange here, dear... very strange...do I look pale to you?

Lexie » What's going on here?

Edna May » I am out, dear.

Lexie » No, of course I didn't. I just found you here with a dead beaver. I think you'd better get out of the tub.

Edna May » wait...wait... *gets out of hot tub* ...oh! That's disgusting! Did you put that there, Lexie??!! ...no, no...of course, you wouldn't have.

Lexie » The dead beaver floating there right next to you.

Edna May » ??...what dead beaver? hairball? ...don't ask, dear.

Lexie » What's up wiith the dead beaver? What's with the hairball? Do I need tot ake you to the vet?

Edna May » I looked all over for you, dear...all over.   *remembers the cats, coughs up a hairball*

Lexie » I've been meditating about the casting for PLS.

Edna May » Lexie??? Where have you been?!? Thank you, dear...I needed that...   *spits out molar knocked loose by Lexie's right cross*

Lexie » *slaps her again*   EDNA MAY HURLEY!!!

Lexie » *slaps Edna May*   WAKE UP!   *notices a beaver floating face up in the hot tub, a small puncture wound in its neck*   Hmmm....I will meditate on this.   *wanders off*   Auhmmmmmmmmm

Lexie » *notices the carnage on the streets of Marysville.. Notes the absence of Enzo, Ernesto, Vinnie, Isabella, Ivar, etc...an eerie silence over the town*   Have I slipped through my third eye into an alternate Marysville?

Lexie » *comes upon Edna in the hot tub; shakes her*   Edna May! Edna May! Where is everyone? I've been in retreat, contemplating the casting for Porcupine Love Song

Edna May » *murmurs: that's nice, dear. dreams a pack of badgers are building a dam in her bed*

Heiny Fouquette » *slips a live beaver in the tub with Edna, creeps away sniggering*

Edna May » *morning finds edna asleep, snoring in the communal hot tub*

5.03.05 . . .

Edna May » *leaves to look for lexie and daniel. sees cat, gives chase...forgets lexie and daniel. is lost in fog*

Edna May » *finds JudeP's apartment...or what she believes is his apartment. leaves note on door:
"JudeP: The Baron has scheduled an interview with you on Friday, the 13th at
7:00 pm. His carriage will pick you up.
He seemed to know where...I dunno."
Judeparish » *the apartment is locked up and lights out...it appears he's left town again*

Edna May » *canvases the neighborhood in search of JudeP, Daniel, Lexie, etc., etc.*

Edna May » *chucks it on the bedstand, dresses*
...must find JudeP...and must stop talking to myself.

Edna May » *awakens...realizes she's slept through the entire day* ...Wow. The last thing I remember is eating pancakes with Daniel. And then that thing with the cat.
*hawks up a hairball*

Judeparish » *sees Daniel run by*   Good God, Man... waving that around in the breeze could scare some poor person!

Judeparish » Hmm...Gerta will have a good long hunt to find info on me that I didn't give her. Oh by the way, the Russian is a woman. Take from that what you will.

Heiny Fouquette » ...look at the whammer on that guy!!!   *wonders if the crazy white dude with the huge loufa would be interested in working up an act for F&N Cirque de Marysville*

Edna May » *dreams she's dreaming and can't wake up*

Edna May » *dreams of a massive loufa covered in maple syrup running rampant through the streets of Marysville*

Caiaphas » *runs off to find something to test his loufa on*

Caiaphas » *gasps*   My loufa has returned to it's pre-rhino length! Still not impressive, but no longer docked! What magic is this?!?!?

Caiaphas » My neck hurts.   *scratches himself*

Caiaphas » *burps*   Mighty tasty pancakes. I think Edna may have used a bit too much diazepam in the syrup, though...because I seem to have blacked out.

Edna May » *dreams a damp dog is spying on her...smells wet mothballs*

Heiny Fouquette » *cackles*   You're gonna get yours, Edna May...we'll see who howls next... *marks windowsill and pads off into the dusk...or dawn...he can't see well through the wolfhood*

Heiny Fouquette » *lurks under Edna's bedroom windowsill...scratches buttocks under wolfsuit...mutters* ...damn circus props!

Isabella » *Two burly attendants open her cell, take her to electro-shock therapy*   Wampires!!!

Isabella » There's a place for us, somewhere a place for us... *continues to sing, quietly, tunelessly, the entire soundtrack of West Side Story*

Isabella » I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay! And I pity any girl who isn't me today...

Isabella » *sings*   A boy like, who keel your brrother, forget that boy, and find anotherrr. whon of your owm kind, stick to your owm kind....

Isabella » *sits in a padded cell in the Marysville Sanitarium, drooling, a blank look in her eyes*

Judeparish » *heads to the diner...hoping they've cleaned and re-staffed since the weekend*

Edna May » *awakens with a splitting headache; groans, burrows deeper under the covers...dreams of a dark passage filled with strange noises*

Dink B » *creeps into arcade, hides behind Space Invaders, and waits for the goofballs to come out...leaves a package of Gummy Bears for Ashen by Pickle Wars*

5.02.05 . . .

Edna May » *shakes herself*   Yes, dear. With raspberries. And cream!   *hums Love Song for a Vampire as they exit, stage right*

Edna May » *hooks her arm around Daniel's as they leave for Suki's...notices a squirrel nearby. Has a sudden, strong desire to pounce on it.*

Caiaphas » Yes, pancakes. With raspberries.

Edna May » Anything you'd like, sweetie. It's on me.

Caiaphas » Sounds good! Pancakes?

Edna May » I'll call her on the way, dear. My cellphone seems to be waterlogged at the moment.

Edna May » ...that must've been a terrible sangria, dear. It left a nasty taste in my mouth. Remind me not to get it again.

Caiaphas » Perhaps Jude can meet us at the diner. If we kick the bodies to the side, she can cook.

Edna May » Public, dear??? ...if you say so. You lead, I'll follow. You're an odd boy, Daniel, but I do like you.

Caiaphas » I'm afraid we'll have to go somewhere public, Edna.   *stuffs a Filet into his back pocket*

Edna May » That's good, dear...we'll take our chances. Come with Edna, love.

Caiaphas » I'm relatively sure I didn't steak Jude. Even without my marbles (damn that Dink!), I would've recognized her. You might want to call first, though...
just in case.

Edna May » No problem, sweetie...we'll go to my place. Jude will fix us something... *stands dripping in the hot tub...climbs out*

Caiaphas » I'm not sure there's anyone left in the diner, Edna. I kind of....um...well...steaked them all.

Edna May » Bless you, Daniel... *kisses him on the cheek*   Would you like to go to breakfast with me, dear? My treat.

Caiaphas » Well, Edna....I'm not going to kill the Baron.

Caiaphas » yeah!

Edna May » *grins woosily* ...now THAT's what I call a party.

Edna May » *groans...blinks...finds herself sitting alone in the communal hot tub fully clothed*

judeparish » *returns to the apartment, where he eats carnitas brought from his trip, hoping he didn't knock Edna out for too long*

judeparish » Now, I need to go back to my apartment. I was so overwrought from knocking Edna out, I need a good, quiet lie down...I will see you later.

judeparish » It appears the Baron's made it so people can't find his house unless he wants them to...I believe Edna has gained me an interview as a manservent to the Baron. Oh and Daniel, no one knows for sure that I'm a sanctioned monster hunter. Don't let it slip, or we may have problems.

Caiaphas » Will do.   *drops Edna into the hot tub

judeparish » Just tell her I hit her while trying to kill a fly, and knocked her out by mistake.

Caiaphas » *hoists Edna May over his shoulder

Caiaphas » This is much more complicated than mindless slaughter. I'll leave the details to you.

judeparish » Okay...we must continue as if everything is normal for at least a couple of days. The tools I need aren't the one's I normally use, so they're being made for me. That's the other problem...the weapons must be made with the user in mind, or they're worthless too.

Caiaphas » *shrugs*   What can you do?

judeparish » *sighs realizing he's been stuck with not quite the brightest bulb in the box*

judeparish » With Necromancers, all we have to do is figure out where he hid his heart, and cut it up like ground round. The knife needs special prep too, of course.

Caiaphas » And there's not much there to begin with.

Caiaphas » I think it'd hurt.

Caiaphas » I don't want to sharpen it!

Caiaphas » *looks down*

judeparish » No, but a sharpened bone, treated right... could have done the trick.

Caiaphas » Hm. My Filet Mignons are of no use against a Necromancer.

judeparish » And the nightstalkers have to put the heart back in when they sleep. Depending upon what the Baron really is, we either catch him during the day and use a specially prepared stake (not steak)...

Ivar » *running out of town, Ivar thinks Edna May just looks norwegian, and maybe this Baron is too*

judeparish » Now, he could be a very, very old Necro-mancer...they become nightstalkers when they remove their hearts to make themselves immortal. The problem here is, we can't tell because nightstalkers can also remove their hearts...they just have to keep them close at hand.

judeparish » No, Daniel. The Baron is not a vampire in the standard sense of the word. He's a nightstalker...meaning he kept most of his personality when he changed...or when he was changed.   *shudder*

Caiaphas » I see.

judeparish » Daniel..don't freak and don't speak..the Baron has been watching you through Edna. The brew was supposed to interupt that, so I could explain what was wrong. But it didn't work, so we have to stop his spying.

Ivar » *remembers he needs to go to the liquor store, spins on heels and sets off at a dead run*

Edna May » ....gack!   *passes out*

judeparish » Blast! The brew didn't work. Here hold still for a moment... *whacks Edna soundly on the back of the head..knocking her stone cold out*   (and stay that way, please darling)

judeparish » Ivar, don't wave that axe around strangers...some people are very sensitive to certain weapons..if you catch my drift.

Ivar » *leans forward, twists battleaxe handle in his hands*

Edna May » *considers* ...he is a devilishly attractive man...does that count?   *is momentarily mesmerized by the pulse in JudeP's throat*

Caiaphas » Well, you do have an accent.

Ivar » *cuts steak in half in mid-air with battleaxe, looks at Caiaphas with narrowed eyes*

judeparish » How do you feel, Edna...about the Baron,
I mean...still besotted?

judeparish » Ivar, cook that steak so Daniel doesn't get caught with a murder weapon.

Edna May » ...okay, dear. I'm listening.

judeparish » Yes, it's not the best smelling stuff in the world, but it tastes like good claret.

Caiaphas » *tosses a steak at Ivar*

Edna May » *licks rim* ...not bad.  *downs the brew*
...could use a little paprika.

judeparish » And everyone...please be quiet while I explain. But first we'll need to see how that brew reacts in Edna's system.

Edna May » *sniffs JudeP's flask* ...funky

judeparish » Daniel, is it? You need to sit still and stop steaking people while I explain...Ivar, do what you want since you just stumbled into this.

judeparish » Edna, I'm going to have to ask you to drink something... *hands her a hip flask* ...this will either disrupt the Baron's hold on you, or knock you out.. depending on how far along things are.

Edna May » Darling boy, come with Edna. I'll treat you to breakfast...your choice, love. What do you say?

Caiaphas » I've already steaked a good hundred Marysville residents...and I can't stop now!

Edna May » Oh, Daniel...you must agree. Please, dear... we'll find another way to handle   *flush*   the Baron.

Caiaphas » I can't do that, Edna.

Ivar » Ya Eadner, many folk get stiff ones at de liquor store. Dat iz vere I git most of mine.

Edna May » Yes, Ivar...I think I'll do the same. I could use a stiff one right now.

Ivar » Ya vell, I'm outta here, yu all. I tink I vill stop by de liquor store and top uff my taxiderrmy supplies and vait until dis is all ower.

Edna May » No, no...everyone wait! You mustn't harm the Baron...he's...well, you just can't! Daniel, you lovely boy... promise me you won't steak the Baron...or chemical him.

judeparish » *hears a squeeking sound coming from his jacket*   Excuse me...my dog needs to tinkle. I'll be back in a sec...

Caiaphas » I need a shower.

Edna May » Are you certain he has no heart? I mean, he was so...manly...   *feels heat flush remembering the Baron's tight uniform...fans face*

Caiaphas » *dumps another pile of hearts into the street*

judeparish » The problem with Cai's approach is that there are certain...chemicals, yes, that'll work...chemicals that need to be applied to the equipment before it will harm the creatures.

Caiaphas » No heart? Dammit!

judeparish » I'm sorry, Ivar. That's not my call..check with whomever signs your checks.

Ivar » Ya vell, I vill get de Sanitation cruuw back here, butt de are going to vant time and a half!

judeparish » Yes, no heart...at least not one on his person.

Edna May » ...wait! No heart???

judeparish » Now, listen. The Baron does not have his heart...that's what I was out confirming with my information network. He's a rare breed. I don't know...I'm still working on what I'm going to do. The problem is, the Baron's kind is not what I'm usually assigned to...so I'm having to get equipment made for me.

judeparish » Sorry Edna...tradeskills sometimes work even when your not working.

Edna May » Yes, JudeP...that's good advice. Ivar, I'm going to go look for Daniel. Will you be back soon?

judeparish » Damn it, boys! Think for a moment. I'm glad I came back from my meeting early or else Ivar and Cai would have the whole town burnt down...the Baron lives outside of town not in it. Ivar, you're Sanitation, so clean up Cai's mess. Cai, you need to lie down for a bit with something hot and alcoholic.

Edna May » *jumps* JudeP! You startled me, dear...

judeparish » If Edna were fully changed at this point, she would not be out this time of day.

Edna May » ...AK, dear? oh, of course. Daniel. I've no idea where he is.

Ivar » *looks over shoulder for the AK*   Vell, Eadner May, vere are yu goin? I'ma headin outta town.

Edna May » *squints into the distance, looking for Daniel* ...thank you, dear.

Ivar » Ya vell, maybe lifeless vasn't de best vord... how bout "undead"?

Edna May » ...lifeless??? I have been feeling very off lately...

Ivar » Dats silly, Eadner...you yust look norvegian, all pale und lifeless.

Edna May » Varklings? Don't ask, dear. I'm not sure where Daniel got that idea, but there it is.   *notices the alluring throb in Ivar's neck*

Ivar » Oh, tanks about de orns, buoott oow du you know vat de farklinks tastse like?

Edna May » ....hm. I'm afraid Daniel believes I'm a...well, I know it sounds silly, but...he thinks I'm a vampire.

Ivar » Guud Eavans! ooed du soach a ting!?!!

Edna May » That? I think they're varkling hearts...they taste like varkling hearts. That is, these look and taste like varkling hearts...I'm not sure what those are.   *points to another pile nearby*

Ivar » Vuutt de hell iz dat pile dere, Eadner?

Edna May » Yes, Ivar...you've been blessed with a wonderful set of horns, dear.

Edna May » Hello, dear...you mustn't hurt Daniel. I'll find the boy and try to reason with him.   *eyes a dark heap...leans closer, sniffs it*   hmmmm...   *picks up a bit, tastes it* ...varkling?

Ivar » Yellow Eader. Ief heard dat de AK iz looking for de people vith accuncents...you like me horns, ya?

Ivar » Ya sewer, I shoold git outta dis town vile de gittin iz guud... *clenches viking battleaxe with both hands*

Edna May » Ivar!   Ivar...I can see your helmet horns!

Ivar » *Adjusts helmet, looks around building corner to see if the Accent Killer is nearby*

Edna May » *see piles of something dark heaped in the street...remembers Daniel covered in beet juice...or was that the yak in the hot tub?*

Edna May » *hears a Sanitation Dept crew screaming in the street: "DAMN it! DINK! FEROUK! If I find any more yak and....THIS stuff!...in the communal hot tub, I'll drown you both!

Edna May » *sits bolt upright in bed, jarred from sleep by an epiphany* .......??!! vam! ...VAMpires!!! ...oh

. . . . .

Caiaphas » *dumps a bushelful of black hearts into the street*   Pretty soon there's not going to be anyone left in Marysville!

Caiaphas » How many people am I going to have to steak before someone gives me directions?!?!?

. . . . .

Caiaphas » *runs off in search of the Baron's Manor... again. Doesn't anyone have any freaking DIRECTIONS!?!?!

Caiaphas » I'm pretty sure I've regained my marbles now, though...seeing as how Dink returned them to me. I'm not done with the steaking, though...I still need to get the Baron to save Edna May from the Eternal Night. Accursed vampires!

Caiaphas » *counts discarded hearts*   Looks to be around 75. Give or take. I lost a few, and I may have eaten a couple. I was sure they were all the Baron...well, except for Streisand. But she deserved it for Yentl, the bitch.

Caiaphas » Well, I'm not entirely sure, judeparish. I started out with anyone that had a Romanian accent....then I went to the German accents....after that I kind of lost my head for awhile.

judeparish » *wonders how the local paper will report this*

judeparish » Umm Cai, I hate to break it to you but those aren't vampire hearts...they're black from oxidation. That or poor diet. How many people have you killed so far?

Caiaphas » *tosses several more black hearts into the community hot tub and stalks off looking for more vampires

Caiaphas » T-Bone?!?!? I wouldn't kill anyone with a T-Bone! It'd be insulting! I only use the best Filet Mignon from Wal-Mart, America's value leader!

judeparish » *shuts his apartment door to the world outside again*

judeparish » Nevermind...I think I'm better off not knowing.
*mutters*   Damn sempai, too lazy to assign someone trained in this stuff. You're there now, Jude. You know the procedures as well as anyone..handle it, would you? ARGH! Must spend today preparing.

judeparish » *is seen walkingdown the main drag after being dropped off by Greyhound*   erm...what is this mess and why is that guy running around with a t-bone?

5.01.05 . . .

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